Jan's World According to God

A Bucket List of Sorts

2012-02-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

I've always hated the sound of that phrase... BUCKET LIST. It sounds so final. I've never wanted to make one, because of how final it sounds.

I was sitting here dreaming about how great God is and how thankful I am to be alive. There are so many things I want to see before I get called home. Suddenly it occurred to me that I should make a list, just in case I forget, so I am writing my "LEARNING and EXPERIENCING" list here.

Marceline, Missouri ~ The childhood home of my mentor, Walt Disney. Having been born and growing up with a mid-western family, I have experienced some of the peaceful, easy life that Walt also enjoyed and I've always wanted to see where Walt grew up.

Mansfield, Missouri ~ The person who has most influenced me to write is Laura Ingalls Wilder. I loved her books as a pre-teen. Imagine my surprise when many years later, I discover that my family is distantly related to her. I'm read so many things about her farm in Missouri with Almonzo that I really wanted to go there. I was there once briefly with my late husband, but we couldn't stay long and I've always longed to go back.

Carthage, Missouri ~ The home of the people who make Precious Moments Collectibles. They have an awesome museum, chapel and grounds there. I just long to go see it.

The State of Vermont ~ I've always wanted to go to Vermont in the fall and buy some maple syrup. I don't know why. I just do!

Providence, Rhode Island ~ My first ancestor to come to this continent was Joane Vincent of England who came to Providence, Rhode Island in 1622. I've always wanted to go there and see where she walked and lived. Maybe look up any local information about her.

New Orleans, Louisiana ~ It seems like a very interesting place to go. Maybe see some live jazz. Maybe check out a few of the Cajun Caillouette relatives. Definitely eat some yummy local food. I have friends who go there a great deal and they seem to enjoy it.

Charleston, North Carolina ~ The home of Gone With The Wind's Rhett Butler. I know he's only a fictional character, but his way of life once existed and I would love to see where that started.

Sleepy Eye and Walnut Grove, Minnesota ~ The childhood hometowns of Laura Ingalls. I've read so much about them and seen the television versions that I wanted to see them for myself. In Walnut Grove, you can actually go to the site of the Ingalls dugout home along the banks of Plum Creek and have a picnic.

Claremore, Oklahoma ~ I've always been fascinated by Will Rogers and would love to see where he was from. Plus having listened to the Broadway soundtrack of the musical OKLAHOMA, I'd like to know what they're singing about.

The Mall of America, Minnesota ~ Seems like a fun place to go once and it has a Knott's style amusement park INSIDE the Mall.

St. Paul, Minnesota ~ I'd like to see the theater where Garrison Keillor performs his radio show, A Prairie Home Companion. Plus maybe check out the locals and listen to them speak.

Mount Rushmore ~ Never been there and would like to say I saw it.

Devil's Tower [I think it's in Wyoming] ~ Blame this one on Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It would be even cooler if I saw a UFO while there.

Boston, Massachusetts ~ The cradle of our democracy. So much history there and I've never made it that far north. Plus I want to see if their chowder really is that good.

Niagara Falls, New York ~ A huge waterfall with a view of Canada on the other side, why wouldn't I want to go?

Mansfield, Ohio ~ The home of a carousel museum and factory where you can watch carousels being made right before your eyes. I'd give anything to be so talented as to build my own carousel horse.

Kansas City, Kansas ~ The home of the Kansas City Toy and Miniature Museum. Plus I want to see what Curly from the musical, Oklahoma saw in the place that made him want to sing about it and see where Walt Disney had his first cartoon studio.

Pueblo, Colorado ~ I'm always wanted to solve the mystery of where Ray's grandfather Loy A. Dines is buried. I'd like to find his grave. What I do know is that he and his wife, Jessie McFarland-Dines lived there in the early 20th century. Loy was a steelworker and probably died there of TB. There were tons of Tuberculosis hospitals in Colorado because of the dry air so it makes sense that he would be there somewhere.

Liverpool, England ~ The Beatles, of course. 'Nough Said!

Norway, Sweden and Denmark ~ They've always seemed like such a gentle culture with such beautiful scenery and history. Plus some of my ancestors were Vikings who attacked England and stayed, so it would be cool to see where they started from.

Last but not least ~ Glasgow, Scotland ~ So many reasons I can't even list them. I just want to go.... badly! I want to walk near Loch Lomond and walk the Castle Mile and see pipers... and kilts... a buy a knitted sweater and kilt. I'd even try haggis, if I can wash it down with short bread!

I'm sure there are dozens of other places I don't even know about, but I can always add them to the list.

The Adventure Continues....

2012-02-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

Seven months ago, in June of 2011, I asked God for a miracle. I had just been told I had breast cancer with a tumor so large that the doctors were concerned that it might already be too late.

I prayed without ceasing... every moment it came to my mind. I prayed with others and many Godly saints prayed for me. Twenty-four hours later, I suddenly had a peace about everything. I didn't hear audible voices. God didn't give me a vision or a dream. However, I knew it was God. I just knew. [Right here I am asking YOU to lean not on your own understanding, but let God work through you to believe that what I am saying is true.]

It was the same peace that had come over me 36 years earlier when I asked God to protect me from an evil spirit that had taken over a relative. I was a new believer, but I knew that God would protect me and I was able to stand up to that fear that had overtaken me, because God's word said that if He is for me than who can be against me.

It was the same peace that came over me in 1988 when I was being sued unjustly following an auto accident for more money than I'd ever seen before. I felt as if God had told me it would all be taken care of and it was, because Jesus is my lawyer.

It was the same peace I felt that March morning in 2005 the day after my late husband, David passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack. Every drop of fear left me and I was able to replace it with a calm, because I knew God was watching over my daughter and I. That's what He says He does... cares for widows and orphans.

So I asked God for a miracle...

He convinced me that a healing would be far better. What's the difference? A miracle happens immediately. A healing happens in God's timing. What he gave me that night was a peace in knowing that as a good Father, He would take care of it, because He is my great physician, but He would do it in His perfect timing in order to prove to me and others that He is who He says He is and does what He says He'll do.

One night, hrough Christian radio and Dr. Charles Stanley, God brought me the story of the children of Israel in the desert. [Deuteronomy 1]

God told Joshua to go into the promised land and take possession. So Joshua picked 12 good men [one from each tribe] to go into the land and spy and bring back a report. They reported that the land was good and the fruits amble. That it was indeed a good land, but the scouts saw men taller than themselves and with huge armies. They soon started complaining and refused to go into the land of the Amorites. They sat in their tents and complained, because Joshua was leading them into definite destruction. They rebelled and went against God's word. As a result, the children of Israel were forced to wander again in the desert and continued to circle around and around repeating the same mistakes they had made previously.

God spoke to me through this story. What the scouts saw and heard has with their natural eyes and ears. What God had asked them to do was supernatural. When they choose to believe the report of the scouts, instead of the God's perfect vision through Joshua; they doomed themselves from being able to be blessed by God's perfect plan and its benefits.

I was like that scout. God had given me a perfect plan for healing and a peace that I would be healed if I believed. Man told me the reports were not good. In the natural, what the doctors were saying made perfect sense. In the natural, what God was saying made no sense. Now I completely understand what God meant when He said... Trust in and have confidence in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding or insight, but in ALL your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Amplified Proverbs 3:5-6

I choose to comfort myself with the thought that I would be healed, because God's promises are true. He can't lie. He doesn't change His mind. He's consistent and longs to give me good gifts. In return, He asks nothing except that I love Him, praise Him and worship Him.

All through my chemo adventure, I choose to continue to work and to worship God through song every Thursday and Sunday. God told me to do that and I wanted to be obedient. Was it easy? NO, not in the least. There were days when I wanted so badly to quit... to sit down when tired or stop because it was so hard to continue. I felt like others we're being compassionate enough. That maybe they didn't really care about my problems. That was the enemy attacking me.

Then I remembered all those who were watching me make my journey ~ both believers and unbelievers. God said He would NEVER leave me or forsake me. He said His plans were to prosper me and give me good gifts. With God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! If I stand before men and proclaim through song that God is my healer and strong tower then I am pleasing God no matter how tired or sick I feel. Feelings and emotions are in the natural, but God works in and through the supernatural.

There were dark days on my journey. Days when I was temped to believe that maybe God wasn't going to heal me, but always God would put some blessed saint in my path to encourage me and lift me up in prayer. Never underestimate the power of earnest prayer. Satan would want you to believe that your prayer won't matter , that your prayer isn't sincere enough or that you're not good at praying, but God hears differently. He hears with spiritual ears and any prayer you say to Him He will listen to and consider because He loves us so.

Even yesterday I was doubting... God used my children to encourage me, to believe that God promises are true.

Today, I got my answer based on man's medical knowledge.....

"NO RESIDUAL CANCER IN BREAST TISSUE, LYMPH NODE OR TUMOR TISSUE". NED = No Evidence of Disease.

Why was the healing better than the miracle? Because of all the awesome people I got to encourage as I walked the process out in obedience; because of the adventure of leaning on God's understanding and seeing it become part of my testimony; so that God could draw me even nearer to Himself and love on me and mostly, to get my attention and show me what kind of a future He has for me.

Thank God for that peace which surpassed all my understanding based on human knowledge and thank You Lord for the journey. It was indeed an adventure which I will still continue to walk out daily. May You be praised forever and always!

Frodo Going to Mordor

2011-12-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently how I was feeling and without thinking I said, "I feel like Frodo going to Mordor." I'm dealing with something I don't understand [cancer], but I know that's it's important that I survive the journey and come out a conqueror. I have no guarantees that will happen and sometimes it's dark and scary, but I only know I have to get rid of this. I can't do this alone and yet, since it affects only me, in the end, I alone must conquer it.

I really do feel like Frodo. I want to be kind and nice all the time, but sometimes this "cancer" takes over and I don't feel kind or nice. I feel overwhelmed and afraid and yet, I am not really allowed to admit those feelings for fear of hurting or scaring those around me who think I am so strong. I don't really know what kept Frodo going on the journey to Mordor [at least he wasn't alone], but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that Jesus is at the beginning, middle and end of this journey for me no matter what happens.

There are many times when I feel very alone. I know I can't expect people to come along side me all the time. They have their own lives and worries, but it would be nice to have one cheerleader on my side, like Frodo had Sam. My spouse doesn't seem to deal well with this. He doesn't realize how much I would love him to tell me on a daily basis that I am doing well and to keep walking. He's there, but he offers very little support. At times, he's almost a burden making me the one who reassured him when secretly I am in doubt myself.

I'm tired. I picture Frodo lying on the rocks below the fiery mountains of Mordor and just crying and admitting he could no longer do this. That's how I feel on days like this. Having my primary care physician [who is NOT in charge of my cancer care] tell me that a very badly taken x-ray to see if I have pneumonia shows that my cancer has spread to my bones, but may also just be very dense bones is defeating to my positive attitude. Unless my oncologist tells me this I refuse to believe it... but the "cancer" has spoken through her and now I am in fear of not surviving the adventure I am on.

I long to be saved from this adventure before I finish it, but like Frodo who was saved by the eagles after the ring was gone, this will not happen until I have finished destroying the "cancer".

Frodo never did recover from his adventure. He was forever changed and eventually felt the need to go to the Far Havens with the elves. I am NOT ready to go to the Far Havens. I still have worth and I still have things I need to accomplish. The Far Havens will have to wait... and yet, I do not have a say about that. This fate is in the hands of my Creator and I must obey.

I need this adventure to be over. Today I am lying on the rocks at the base of the mountain and I can't carry this anymore. I am overwhelmed by everything I have to do to complete this task and I am alone. As much as I don't begrudge my husband going to see his kids. There are times when I feel like he escapes to see them at times when he should be with me. [usually most holidays].

It's at times like these when I realize how close Frodo came to giving up and dying. Dying would be so easy to deal with because it is quick and this journey is not.... but Frodo never gave up and neither will I. What brought Frodo back to reality was the thought of the shire and all the friends and family he loved. That's what keeps me going... family. The thought of my children and grandchildren and simple things like watching birds fly overhead, or fish jumping in a lake, or the sun shining down threw dark clouds on rainy days. People laughing. Good music. The smell of freshly baked goods.

Unprepared and slightly afraid... my journey continues and I with it.

Thoughts on Christmas

2011-12-24T13:31:00.000-08:00

I am now and will always be a traditionalist.

I like old movies about good and kind people who love each other. I like live green Christmas trees with ornaments made in childhood or given to you by friends. I like old school Christmas Carols about Jesus. I like RED and GREEN and BLUE twinkling lights at Christmas and leaving milk and cookies out with carrots for the reindeer.

I don't want a palm tree covered in lights while Elvis tells me in song why he is so blue at Christmas. I don't want a pink frosted tree covered in flamingos. I'm tired of hearing Christmas songs about love gone wrong or how Santa isn't bringing you enough goodies.

I like the idea of peace and goodwill. I like people who say MERRY CHRISTMAS and don't worry about offending others. I like letting others go first in line at the grocery store and having them say thank you. I like cooking old family recipes and sharing them with those I love. I like children's gifts that make the child interact with the toy... that challenges them to be creative while still having fun. God forbid that it be educational! I like educational toys!

So what do I remember best about my Christmas' past?

Standing out in the middle of the darkened parking lot after Midnight Mass. Everyone else had left and I look up into the sky with the cold, clear air hitting my face and taking my breath away. All is quiet and still; just like the night of Jesus birth and I feel like only God and I are witnessing the beauty of that starry night. I start to sing Silent Night under my breath as I drive away.

I remember as a child lying on my back under the Christmas tree while everyone else watched television. The living room lights would be off and the tree was lit by the soft glow of the TV. I would look up through the brightly lite branches and wonder what Santa would bring me. I would gently blow on the branches above and watch the silver strands of tinsel shine as they moved.

We were a poor family, but we always got by. I can see my mother diligently sitting at the kitchen table long after everyone had gone to bed sewing clothes for my sisters and I as Christmas gifts; new dresses, cute pant outfits, Barbie clothes that matched our dresses. I can remember watching her make chocolate chip cookies, soft sweet fudge, homemade peppermint candies and other family favorites, so that Christmas would be special for us.

One year when I was about 10, I remember watching my Dad cut a huge piece of cheddar cheese for himself and I asked Mom how come he gets to do that and not me. She told me he worked hard at two different jobs and he enjoyed eating cheese as a snack, so he was allowed... because he is the father. That Christmas, when I wrote my list for Santa, [as we were asked to do every year] I wrote that I wanted my own giant hunk of Longhorn Cheddar Cheese that I didn't have to share with anyone unless I wanted to. That year in my stocking was my own pound of Cheddar cheese... and I shared a piece with my Dad.

My Mom always went out of her way to give me something artistic for Christmas. She knew how much I loved art and being creative. It started with coloring books, but later moved to paint by number sets, wood burning sets, building sets, a toy sewing machine, play-dough and clay, and oil paints and brushes. My most treasured gift was the brand new box of 64 or 120 Crayons with wonderful names like burnt sienna or ultra violet that I received every year.

I remember the only year that my Dad actually bought me a gift himself. We lived in Torrance and he came home on Christmas Eve with a small box that contained a charm bracelet. What meant most to me was that Dad picked it out himself and hand delivered it to me.

Christmas is what you make of it. My way will always be traditional! Now where's my VHS tape of Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol?

Still Waters Run Deep

2011-12-17T17:48:00.000-08:00

Today someone asked me a question. I didn't answer right away. The first thought that popped into my mind was.... Still Waters Run Deep. This wasn't me.. I have no idea why God put that thought into my head, but I prayed about it and thought about how this applies to me. What does God want to teach me?

Quiet people are often very thoughtful and in a large crowd, I can be very quiet. Not because I am not friendly, but because I like to stand back and analyze things before speaking.

I thought about that saying.... STILL waters run deep! When water in a stream is shallow and rocks are just below the surface, it would cause the water to be more turbulent. When the streams are deeper, the rocks are more buried and the surface of the water appears calm.... but down below the water is very deep and still and full of surprises.

God asks us to be still in the Bible so that we will know He is God. If we're always talking; we never hear God's still small voice. Does God really have a still small voice? He's God, He can speak as loud or soft as He wants, but I remember when I was a child that my Mom would say that if you always shout, people stop paying attention to you. If you want their attention, speak softly and directly.

I long to RUN DEEP. I want my relationship with God to be so deep that when He whispers, I jump. I long to sit silently in His presence. That's my nature... to sit quietly.

I've decided that this saying will be my new mantra... Lord, let my still waters run deep!

Serving God in a Busy Complicated World

2011-12-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

I work at a church. It's a fact of my life. I work long hours and have done so for many years. It bothers me that many people take the opinion that I should work hard simply because that's what I am paid to do. They assume that I will do everything asked of me because I am being compensated for it. If that is their opinion than I am greatly underpaid, because I work many extra hours for which I receive nothing, but the satisfaction of knowing that I am pleasing God by doing my job with excellence.

Lately, I've begun to question the whole idea of "serving the Lord" by working at or volunteering at your local church. I had always been taught that you should only do what the Lord had directed you to do. Things you undertake on your own power are destined to fail because God did not ordain you to serve in that ministry. You are not just to be filling a space because you were asked to.

I see many people in churches working so hard and such long hours trying to do everything asked of them by their local church and its leadership. Yet, I also see these same people failing miserably at giving time to their spouses, their children, their outside jobs or even having enough time to invest into their own spiritual life and education.

I don't see anywhere in scripture where God told us to give all our time to serving God in the church and neglecting the areas He has already entrusted to you... like being a spouse, parent, sibling, employee or friend.

Serving God means doing what He told us to do in scripture... feeding the hungry one person at a time if need be. Visiting those in hospitals or prisons. Praying for others. Asking God to heal those with sickness. Training up your child in the way they should go. Can you do all these things? Sure! Are you suppose to? Probably not.

Sometimes we get so caught up in "serving through the church" that we let those responsibilities take over our lives and we neglect the gifts God gave us originally. Too much serving results in burn out and burn out is never God's plan for those who love and serve Him.

So how do we find that balance? I think it's about priorities. God asked us to first love Him. We were created to worship Him. So God comes first. Next comes the people God has given us in our lives; our spouse, our children, and our families. If serving God at the church is causing problems with your family life than realign your priorities. Next comes your commitment to your job and earning a living to care for your family. On the day that you start not showing up at work because you are serving at church than there is an ISSUE!

Maybe as a community of believers we need to re-evaluate what SERVING GOD means for the sake of our spiritual lives and our sanity.

The Groucho Effect

2011-12-06T09:42:00.001-08:00

My head is always cold now. I guess that happens when you don't have any hair to speak of. I decided to buy myself a soft knitted black beret.

This morning I got up in my usual fashion. It was cold in the house, so I slipped on my knitted black and grey stripped slippers under my flannel red plaid jammie pants. Over my red t-shirt, I slipped on my Dad's old grey Member's Only sweater with royal blue piping. It looks terrible, but it's old and soft. It's like comfort food and it reminds me of Dad. Next I pulled my beret over my bald head and slipped on my glasses.

As I walked out of the room, I glanced into the mirror and was startled to see myself.... I had turned into Groucho Marx minus the mustache. Not young cool Groucho, but old Groucho from the 70's. With my black beret, glasses and bald head... suddenly I WAS Groucho.

Make no mistake about it... I love Groucho Marx, but to suddenly realize that I look like him was a shock! I can hardly wait until my hair grows back, so I can look less like Groucho and maybe more like Congresswomen Gabby Gifford or Jamie Lee Curtis on the Activia commercials.

So if you see someone wandering around that looks like the picture above... Groucho's is dead, so it's probably me.

God is Faithful

2011-12-01T08:26:00.001-08:00

I promised God I would record this answer to prayer in my blog and I put it off for 2 days. Now it's time to be obedient. Monday, I had what I thought was a consultative appointment with my dentist. When you have cancer and are in chemo treatment, it's a huge deal to try and go to a dentist, because of all the immunity issues. The last thing I need is an infection. I had broken a filling and cracked a tooth between two molars and it was worrying me even though I wasn't in any pain. My dentist spoke to my oncologist and she accepted the challenge.

Once in the dental chair and following several x-rays it was determined that she [the dentist] needed to remove the old fillings out of two of my right upper molars so that she could see what was going on. It wasn't good news. She gave me the worst case scenario first.

I had two badly decaying teeth under the fillings. Chemo had probably caused the decay to happen faster than normal. She suggested that I needed two new crowns and a root canal. She also suggested that I would need to see a specialist to do the root canal. Final cost = $3,500. OY!

I don't have to tell you that $3,500 is an amount I can't afford right now because the cost of my cancer treatment is already killing me. She said she would see what she could do herself to save me money and suddenly I was being treated. I wasn't mentally prepared for this, especially when she asked me if I had three hours to spare.

I immediately started praying in my mind, while she drilled and poked.

"Please God let this be easier than she stated. Let her work it out to treat this as cheaply as possible. Yo've taken care of me so far and I trust You to take care of this."

After about 15 minutes of drilling, she announced that the further back molar wasn't too bad and she could just fill it instead of a crown. BAM! $792 just got knocked off the total bill.

THANK YOU FATHER!

She began to look around the closer molar to see if she could find the 3 roots embedded in that tooth. If she could find the roots, it would make it easier for the root canal. If she couldn't find all three, I would have to go to an oral surgeon.

"Please God, let her find all three before the pain shots wear off."

Suddenly, she announced that she had found the first root, but that there was a lot of calcium build up. She seemed doubtful, but determined to fix that. Twenty minutes later, it was done.

THANK YOU FATHER!

On to root # 2... I prayed harder.

"Please God, she found one. Help her find #2. I know You can do this for me."

This one took about 10 minutes to find and she seemed discouraged, but wouldn't give up. Finally, she announced that she'd found #2 and would clean that one out as well. There went another 20 minutes.

THANK YOU FATHER!

Now for #3... I could already tell she was starting to loss hope. It was getting near to 2 1/2 hours in the chair already and she kept saying that the root wasn't in the usual place. She kept hinting that a dental surgeon might still be needed. She took a break and as she left the room, I prayed harder.

"Please God, You let her find two of three. Why wouldn't You give me all three? You're a good Father who knows how to give good gifts. Refresh her and let her find the third root now."

She returned and began to look again. Suddenly, as if surprised she announced that she had found the third root and it was in the opposite place it should be as if the tooth had grown in backward.

THANK YOU FATHER!

She cleaned out that root and began the process of making me a temporary cap for that tooth and filling the one behind it.

"So now where do I stand?" I asked.

She told me I'd need to come back next Monday. She needed to remove the temporary cap, deaden and sterilize the roots canal tunnels and glue on the new crown. Maybe a one hour appointment.

"What about the root canal?" I asked.

"Oh, it's done. I just did it."

Final outcome... My $3,500 cost dropped to about $1,500 and I will be done in one more appointment. God has walked me through every step of my health battles over the last 6 months and has NEVER let me down yet. What a wonderful Father He is! How can I not love someone who is so good to me.

THANK YOU FATHER!

Jesus Sings!

2011-11-23T08:46:00.001-08:00

I have many favorite Bible verses. Some are only for specific seasons or problems. Some give me advice or teach me things about myself or God's nature. I like the ones that cheer me up like the promise verses

This is my favorite promise verse in regards to worship from Hebrews 2:11-12

For both He [Jesus] who sanctifies [making men holy] and those who are sanctified all have one Father. For this reason He [Jesus] is not ashamed to call them brethren; For He [Jesus] says [to His Father], I will declare Your name to My brethren; in the midst of the worshiping congregation I will sing hymns of praise to You.

Picture this... Jesus sitting in the midst of your church's congregation this Sunday and singing praises to His Father. This brings tears of joy to my eyes. To think that my Sovereign Lord would sit in the middle of our church on Sunday mornings and sing praise songs to God, His Father, as if He were one of us.

Doesn't this thought send chills down your spine?

When I add the thought that along with Jesus; thousands of unseen angels worship God all around us... it boggles my mind.Verse 11 says Jesus and you and I have the same Father. Jesus is not ashamed to be there. In fact, He's so happy to be there that He joins in singing with us to our Heavenly Father.

If only we had the natural eyes to see this happening. Would it change how we worship? Do you think that Jesus would be happy with 2 verses, a chorus and bridge while we stand looking down at our feet? Or would He lift this holy hands upward in reverent song blessing God with His strong clear voice?

Would He stand with His hands in His pockets secretly wishing the worship were over, because He doesn't like this particular song; He's late for the football game on TV, and He's hungry and wants to beat everyone else to the local restaurant and besides it's just too loud for Him?

Or would He be excited to praise and sing songs to glorify God, wishing that the next song would be just as much a blessing to God as it is to Him?

Would He fall to His face as an example to us of reverent worship? Would He dance before God in pure joy?

When I am singing on our church's worship team on Sundays and Thursdays and I just can't seem to get into the spirit of it, I look out at the congregation and find an empty chair in the middle of the room. I picture
Jesus standing there waiting in anticipation for the music to build. I picture Him excited and smiling from ear to ear, because He so loves to worship the Father. I imagine Him lifting His nail pierced hands toward heaven and in a loud voice singing "Exalted Is Your Name". I can see Him in my mind dancing to "Again I Say Rejoice" and praising God with all the life and strength that is in Him.

Our praise is a sacrifice to God. Is your sacrifice pleasing? Do love God so much that worshiping Him is all you can think about and look forward to?

Here's a thought... when we get to heaven that's mostly what we'll be doing... Worshiping God. That's what God created us for originally... to please Him. He created us like Himself to be creative, whether it's through music or singing or teaching or doing art or building things for the church or to help others or cooking or organizing.

Promise me that this Sunday while you are at your church, you will remember that God's promises are true and somewhere in your church Jesus and the heavenly host of angels will be joining you in song. Praise Him like you mean it!

Being Obedient... and Waiting on the Lord

2011-11-23T00:26:00.001-08:00

Today the clinical trial nurse informed me that in order to have a survival rate of higher than 70%, I need to be on the cancer drug, Herceptin or Hers2 for one full year. I started this drug in the beginning of October, 2011, so I will be on this drug until October of 2012.

This thought depressed me.

Right now I am taking Herceptin weekly with my other cancer drug [Taxel]. After my last Taxel on December 27, I will be taking Herceptin every week until my surgery. After my surgery, I will be moved to every three weeks until October, 2012.

This thought depressed me.

The nurse also informed me that I will be doing 6 weeks of radiation every Monday through Friday about 4 to 6 weeks after my surgery in January. The only radiation clinic is more than a 75 minute drive away in my old home time of Ontario. When I looked "radiation treatment" up, it sounded scary. I read about the surgery itself online and.....

This thought really depressed me.

Than God sent me an angel... I met a woman at church on Sunday who I had never seen before and she was totally bald. I walked up to her and asked her if she had cancer and she did indeed have breast cancer. She had already had her surgery... a total mastectomy and was currently going through chemo about one month behind me. She is not going to do reconstructive surgery. Neither am I. Her Dr. did not prescribe radiation for her, as he feels confident that the chemo will work by itself. She told me that her surgery was easier than the chemo and she recovered really quickly.

This encouraged me deeply. How did God know I needed this information?

Tonight I decided to look on the net and see what this Herceptin drug is all about and it's various survival rates. I came across three studies that had promise when Herceptin is taken for a full year.. These really stuck out to me...

Study #1 talked about the advantages of being on the Mediterranean diet in order to improve the odds by eating a diet rich in foods that improve your health, lower cholesterol, fight hypertension, and lower BMI which lead to the next study.

Study #2 talked about lowering your BMI to make the drug more effective.

Study #3 talked about using Omega-3 rich products to help lower the risk of cancer reoccurring.

This thought depressed me at first, because it means I need to be accountable, obedient and not just feel sorry for myself and eat whatever I want. The more I thought about it though, I realized that God is orchestrating me into a place where I can be healed of cancer and improve my health and weight at the same time.

This thought made be happy. God does have my back.

Several months ago, I cracked two back molars, due to expansion by the old black metal fillings. I couldn't do anything about it, because of the chemo I am on; as well as the fact that my new dental insurance program had a six month waiting period. This morning while doing my bills God prompted me to call my previous dentist and ask about my health plan. It turns out my 6 months is over and she can see me. The Oncologist says I can have dental treatment as long as I wait for the week when I only do Herceptin. [December 5th] So I made a consultation appointment for next Monday. I'll be darn if tonight while flossing the molar in front cracked more.

God is so wise in having me do things in his timing.

Another really cool thing that happened this week: On Sunday and Thursday last, I asked God during the ministry portion of our service if he would help me with my hypertension. I've never had high blood pressure before, but the cancer and chemo have brought out some scary side affects. On Sunday night, I took my blood pressure on my home machine and it was 131/74. This is low for me. The lowest I've been in months. One Monday morning, I took it again...twice. 138/78 and 134/72. I thought well this must just be this home machine and the readings are faulty, so at the hospital today they took my blood pressure before chemo twice and it was 131/68.

God answers prayer!!!!

Please keep me in your prayers for me to be able to be obedient in staying on the Mediterranean Diet and lose weight slowly [so as not to freak out the oncologist]! For the teeth to be fixed with no heart side effects from the Novocaine and for me to lower my BMI over the course of the next year, so as to give myself every fighting chance. I know God has healed me, but He also gave me a brain to use and He wants me healthy and to be a good steward of what I eat and drink.

Fighting

2011-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've had several occasions to write, but everytime I opened the blog, I would change my mind and close it. It seemed like I wasn't ready or didn't want to spend precious time doing it. What purpose would it serve? Especially since I don't really know who my target audience are.

Lately, I find myself frustrated at everything and needing an outlet. I've decide to write to myself... and to God.

So here goes....

Yes, I have breast cancer. I admit that, because I can't deny it. I hate saying it. I hate the sound of it and the way it seems so final.

Will I survive?

YES!

Am I healed?

YES, IN JESUS' NAME.

Do I like being considered a cancer victim?

NO.

I don't like the process. I don't like the uncertainty of the treatment or it's poisonous effects on my body. I don't like the cost of my medical care. Thankfully, I am able so far to pay it, but for how long? According to the cancer books I received from Kaiser, "I will always be a cancer patient for the rest of my life". I rebuke that thought. If I look at myself that way, I will always be a victim.

I AM NOT A CANCER VICTIM!

I am a cancer survivor!

On the other side of the coin though... because I choose to fight this disease and continue to do as many things as I can [including work full time], I find myself being taken advantage of by co-workers. They assume [wrongly] that I must be okay because I am smiling and at work, so they keep giving me extra tasks or asking for help with their own tasks. I am struggling just do what I am suppose to do. When I tell them that I can't really do the extra work, it's as if they have suddenly gone deaf. Sometimes they don't even ask, they email and assume I will handle it in my normal efficient pre-cancer way. I am really tired of being told by co-workers that through God I can do all things, as if that is an excuse to dump [or delegate] more work toward me. I find myself secretly wishing that when they struggle with physical issues in the future, someone will treat them the way I am being treated. Wrong motive I know, but maybe it will be a lesson for them someday.

I hate that my hair is gone... completely gone and is not growing back fast [if at all]. The one thing I always liked about myself was my hair. I suppose God is testing me to see if I will continue to be vain about something that matters so little. My biggest struggle is that I like being unnoticed. I don't want to stand out for any reason. So to go unnoticed, I wear a wig and blend in. I hate the wig! It makes me paranoid.

Sometimes in the midst of our most difficult journeys in life, we get tossed a few extra situations. On Tuesday, my last child is leaving the "nest". She's left home before, but this is the first time, she will be so far away that I can no longer "rescue" her. She'll be on her own in a foreign country....Vancouver, BC, Canada. I don't really want her to go, but that's just me being selfish. This is a really good career move for her and she will grow from the experience.

This is forcing me to re-evaluate the meaning and purpose of my life. I've always served someone; husbands, children, grandchildren, co-workers, and bosses. So why am I here? What's my purpose now? It's a no-brainer that my purpose is to love and serve God. I'm already confident that my purpose is to please God; to praise and worship Him. So I guess my real question is... what's my next assignment, Lord?

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

I find myself easily angered, restless, frustrated, and depressed about the hopelessness of my temporary situation. I want to run... to get into a car and drive until I can't drive anymore. Far away from all my problems. I find myself being resentful about my job and the uncaring attitude of some of my co-workers. I find I've lost my passion for anything. I want my passion back.

Basically, I feel alone. Like I'm the only person in this battle. I know that's not true. There are tons of people who have lifted me up in prayer over the last 4 months. There are tons of people offering me free advice about how to deal with my cancer. There are tons of support groups online and in the community, but there's not that one special person who is willing to stand with me and say that I am not alone in this battle and so through prayer I remind myself that God is in this battle; that God cares about me, my illness, my finances and my strength.

I long for the day when the doctor will say to me; "You are cancer free. Now go and live your life." I won't have to have blood work every other week or CT scans monthly or chemo for hours on end or pains in odd places. I can book a plane and actually left Orange County. I won't be tethered to a disease or medical facilty or a life style or a career.

At the beginning of this process, God spoke into my spirit that I was healed, but I would still have to talk out the process. Lord, give me patience to do so.

If you're one of those people who have lifted me up in prayer... thank you!

If you've called, texted facebooked or emailed me to encourage me...... thank you!

If you've asked me how I was feeling and genuinely listened to my reply... thank you!

I want you to know that sometimes that act of kindness is the only thing that gets me through my day.

Vacation Observations

2011-05-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the vacation is over! Seems like it went really quick, but it also seemed way too long while we were there. Ray and I attempted to do the impossible.... See 5 states in 7 days. Turns out we saw 6 states in 7 days because we accidently crossed a bridge into New Jersey from the Philly side.

Lesson learned? Don't always do what the GPS lady says.

Virginia ~ We started in Virginia because that's where the airport was. We immediately drove to our first stop in Virginia, just south of Baltimore. Nice hotel, friendly people, but we only stayed overnight where it rained lightly as we walked to a Chili's for dinner.

Maryland ~ We traveled to Baltimore for a day trip the next day. We mostly stayed around the harbor looking at ships. This is the home of crab cakes, but instead we went to a New York-style deli and had burgers. By evening we were on our way to Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania ~ Our goal for this day was to see the Amish countryside. Our hotel was awesome. They upgraded us to a suite for no extra charge and didn't tell us we had to come back later to check in because it was too early. The room was beyond belief. A fairly new property with a living room, a huge bathroom and seperate bedroom. It also had a microwave, frig and two TV's. One in each room. PLUS.. ground floor. WOOP! The room was decorated with quilts and country style decor and a four post bed. I could have stayed there all week. It was located across the hwy from a place called Dutch Wonderland, a local amusement park. Sadly, it only was open on week-ends, but we were there on a Thursday. We drove around looking at local farms and Amish places of business and ate at an Amish Restaurant/buffet that night.

Pennsylvania continued ~ Next day we went to Philadlephia. We stayed just outside of town near the airport. Very plain room, but clean and easy access with free parking. We spent the next two days hanging out in Philly. We did two bus tours the first day and a walking tour through Old Town to see the usual sites. [Independance Hall, Ben Franklin's house and grave, Betsy Ross' home, the Liberty bell, the steps that Sylvester Stallone ran up in the movie ROCKY etc.] We ate an actual colonial meal at the old City Tavern where all the founding fathers hung out and had an after dark private tour of Independance Hall complete with actors playing the founding fathers. Philly was propably my favorite city.

New Jersey ~ The last night we were in Philly, we got lost leaving a parking structure and instead of turning right, we veered right... right onto a toll bridge named after a president. [I forget which one] and ended up on the Jersey shores. Sadly, it looks just like the Philly side except for the signs. Didn't see a single guido!

Delaware ~ The next day we drove to Washington DC, but had to pass through Delaware to get there. Very small state. We didn't stop despite my unanswered pleas to stop at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant. [*so sad].

Maryland again? ~ The trip took us back past Baltimore and into Maryland again. The east coast is so green and filled with trees and thick forests. It was beautiful. Our next stop was a Travelodge Hotel in Silver Springs, Maryland that I booked through Priceline. That was a mistake. Our first negative clue about this property was that it was in a very rough neighborhood. 2nd clue were the unemptied trash bins filled with wine bottles and beer cans. 3rd clue were the filthy corridors and pathways. 4th clue? The lobby desk was behind bullet-proof glass and the desk clerk barely spoke English. After seeing the badly maintained room with a gap under the door big enough for a large rat to crawl through. I called a hotel across the Pontimac River in Virginia and cancelled this death trap.

Virginia ~ Our new and final hotel was within walking distance of the Pentagon. The new hotel was a nice spacious room with a free shuttle to the Metrorail train into DC and all you can eat continental breakfast. We were surrounded by military with nice manners and I felt safe.

Washington DC ~ We spent three days traveling through out Washington DC and one full day was an all day double-decker bus tour. We walked through as many Smithsonian Museums as we could fit in and even walked the 3 mile distance from the Capitol building , past the Smithsonian Museums, to the Washington Monument and finally unto the Lincoln Memorial. We stood both in back and in front of the White House. Nice lawn, but way to protected and with snipers on the roof. We ended our trip on the day of our departure by driving to Mt Vernon and taking a tour of George Washinton's home on the Potomac River.

Most odd thing we saw that week: 4 things come to mind....

1. While driving to Mt. Vernon we saw a small red fox chase a chipmunk across the road in front of us in the middle of a forest.

2. An old lady in Philly who has been protesting every day in front of the Indpendance Hall lawn since 1967. I'm not sure what see was protesting but she sure was adamant about it.

3. The black dude who tried to sell Ray some drugs while we were standing in front of Ford's Theater in Washington. No wonder Lincoln got shot there. A really bad neighorhood.

4. One of the gargoyles on the National Catherdral in Washington DC is a Darth Vader mask proving that Presbyterians do have a sense of humor.

Most annoying thing we saw all week: People in the big cities on the east coast honk for any reason they can thing of. You took too long turning? HONK! Your walking too slowly in the crosswalk? HONK! I don't like the color of your hair? HONK!!!

Biggest waste of our time during the week: We walked 6 long cities blocks from the tour stop to the National Zoo to see the pandas. The exhibit was on the far side of the zoo [add 15 more minutes of walking] and the panda exhibits were all closed. The one Panda that we were able to see was asleep and really boring. They actually pay a guard to sit in front of a TV screen and watch the panda sleep all day. People got really excited when the panda scrathed his private parts briefly. Must be a guy panda!

What a country!

2011-05-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting week!

First.... in a move that proves American Idol is a beauty contest and not a singing competition, Casey got booted off! What were people thinking? Casey was one of the most talented guys in the group. I'm not going to worry about him though. He will definately have a post idol career. He was so entertaining that I'd even pay to buy a ticket to see him and I've never said that about any other idol contestant.

Second.... the wedding of the decade. It was beautiful. They looked very nervous and very much in love and this in itself is an amazing fact. It was a fairy tale come true as Prince William wed Catherine Middleton. I confess that I taped all 6 hours on NBC and watched them and then watched all of the Lifetime channel's coverage as well. Her dress was magical and she looked beautiful in it. It was nice to see happy news for once.

Third.... OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD! I feel sad for him, because he had to stand before His Savior and look Him in the eyes and face his evil deeds and the judgement that follows. What I most found comfort in was watching the news films that showed thousands of young people in Washington DC and at Ground Zero in New York who stood up and waved American flags. They cheered, cried and sang the National Anthem. They and Obama actually said "ONE NATION UNDER GOD". Patriotism is not dead after all and neither is GOD's influence in the world today. There is hope for this nation and that hope is not Barack Obama... it's JESUS CHRIST.

Fourth.... I am so burned out from work that I can't take another day, but thank God, Ray and I are leaving for a well earned vacation this Wednesday to the East Coast for a week. We will be flying into Washington DC and renting a car for the week. We have hotels in Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia and Lancaster, PA. I look forward to the rest. I have booked bus tours in every city, so that we can enjoy as much as we can without tiring ourselves too much. I look forward to sharing our countries past with Ray. Just to be able to do something different [other than work] will be amazing. I can hardly wait.

Fifth.... Ray is retiring from his job at the church. It's getting to be too big of a job and he's tired all the time and sleeps through every Friday, which is our only day off together each week. Now he will be able to rest and fix things around the house and make dinner with good food instead of fast fried stuff. I will not be as stressed about working all day and coming home to make dinner, clean or vacumn. We won't be fighting over which person gets to do their laundry first. He can do his anytime. The magic day is May 31st. I know they will continue to ask him to come in and do things, but now it will be without pay. I hope that Ray learns to say NO or I may say it for him.

An interesting week indeed!

A Conversation with God

2011-04-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

During worship tonight, I was meditating on God. I was deep in thought about all the little hurts I had been dealt lately. I felt defeated, even though I know that God is bigger than my hurts. I started up a conversation with God.

"Why am I the one who is always overlooked?"

I pictured God smiling.

"Daughter" [He calls me daughter :-)]

"Daughter, You have so many things in your life to be proud of."

God could tell I was doubting this last statement.

He showed me my mansion. In the mansion was a brightly colored spacious kitchen with windows on every side. Clear amber light was streaming onto the white hot floor tiles. Beautiful flowers of every color filled the room with an aroma of every beautiful smell every produced.

In the kitchen was a huge stainless steel double wide refrigerator. On the frig were pictures, drawings and awards of every type pinned up in a hapzard way.

I pictured myself running up to God, my father and bouncing up and down, "Father, Father, look at me. Look what I did", as I held up my latest accomplishment.

God smiled. He took my accomplishment and held it up to examine it thoughtfully. He said in a loud cheerful voice, "Well done daughter. I love this about you. Let me pin it up right here on your frig."

God could tell I was still troubled. "Father, why don't I ever get acknowledged by man for the things I do? Why do I always feel overlooked?"

The Father showed me that all mankind, like children, were bouncing up and down waiting to be noticed by someone. Some got attention from men, because they were the loudest, the smartest or the strongest. Some got attention because, they were the prettiest. Some did bad things just to get attention. God laughed and said, "Would you be satisfied if you were noticed by men or would you rather your Father noticed you and rewarded you accordingly?"

As I watched, men's praise faded. It played tricks on him and made him long for more. It made him unhappy. What God had ordained as good and pleasing, the enemy turned into vanity, lust and greed. Man wanted more attention and became rude, pushy and cunning in pursuit of attention.

The seemingly overlooked who were patient, God lifted up into His arms. He hugged them and told them how much He loved them. He rewarded them by placing their accomplishment on the refrigerator of their mansions in heaven. They could not see or benefit from the experience, because it was hidden from them, waiting to be admired later... like a gift at Christmas, but were happy because God loved them so and that was enough.

"Sufffer the little children to come unto me."

"Father, I am no longer a child. I put away childish things."

God laughed. "To me you will always be my precious child, who pleases me and makes me laugh. You are the apple of my eye and I love you so. Continue to do things well in my name, honor me with your presence and paint me pictures with your life. Laugh, dance and sing. Love others and teach others my ways. This is my will for you, dearest child."

"I want my refrigerator to be so full that you won't be able to open the doors." God laughed again and showed me rooms full of sacrifices and accomplishments stored neatly in boxes throughout my mansion.

"I don't remember doing all these."

God sighed and said, "And that is the way I like it. If you saw all these things, the enemy would allow you to get puffed up and brag about them. I wish you to forget these and continue to dwell on the future, always striving to do more in my name, without hope of reward. Simply knowing that you please me. You bring me great happiness and I love you dearly, daughter."

It was odd to me that all these things that God showed me, flashed within a few moments of my meditations. What am awesome God, we serve!

The History of Diet

2011-04-06T00:38:00.000-07:00

1972 - I weighed 110 lbs on the day I married Bruce. It was my 19th birthday. Was I in love? Who knows? I was more impressed that someone would love me. It lasted 13 years and to this day I still wonder, was it ever love?

By the time I gave birth to my wonderful son, Chris on Sept. 19, 1972. I had gained about 40 lbs and weighed 150. There's something about being on your own and out of your childhood home that makes you eat as much as you can simply because you can. A weird sort of freedom/control that takes over your thoughts.

For my 5 year high school reunion in 1976, I was able to get down to 128 lbs. I bought a new dress thinking that this would make up for all the years of misery I spent in high school. I was still an outcast at the reunion. Some things never change. Sadly, I lost all the weight by using speed for the first and only time in my life.

For the rest of my 1st marriage, I was able to be between 148 and 153 lbs., but my husband let me know each and every day of our married lives how unattractive I was to him and how much he hated me and being married to me. He said I held him back. And people wonder why I suffer from lack of self-confidence!

In November of 1984, my 1st husband left me for a women I thought was one of my best friends. At 153 lbs. I was deserted by my husband and lost my sole means of support. I felt cheated because I had worked for 10 years without pay and now had nothing to show for it. I had put my faith into someone who was not faithful. I felt like the biggest failure ever. I went into a depressed downward spin. I stopped eating from worry about how I would take care of my son and myself. That day, I lost my husband, my job, all my family and friends from the Copeland side, my church [who no longer trusted me as a single divorced women], my heart and more importantly, my faith in God. I went down to about 125 lbs. and walked away from the church...forever!

In January, 1985, I met David Vincent, the kindest person I have ever known. He struggled with weight as much as I did, but he loved me and didn't care about the weight. He treated me like a princess. I felt cared for and needed. He was patient and supoortive. He was my one true love and he helped me to turn back to the one love in my life that would always be their for me.... Jesus Christ!

As Dave and I dated, we both began to slowly gain weight and eventually we were both 40+ lbs heavier.

On Friday, May 13 of that same year, Dave asked me to marry him. Over the course of the next several months I gained weight up to 193 lbs. It was the heaviest I have ever weighed and yet David still loved me and accepted me. I decided to diet so I would fit into my wedding dress. On my wedding day on December 13, 1986, I weighed 183 lbs.

In Feb. of 1987, I lost our first child through miscarriage. It broke my heart. I will never know what sex that child was or its name. I thought that was the most heartbroken I could ever be, but I was wrong.

Several months later, in June of 1987, I was pregnant again. This time I was careful and rested. Over the course of the next 9 months, I gained 30 lbs to a total of 213 lbs. On April 6, 1988, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Sarah.

In 1990, God found me. I was lost, but He found me. You would think that being sold out for Jesus, one would lose weight, but I still had issues to deal with... I might be fat, but at least I'll be going to heaven.

In February of 1993, Dave and I decided to leave California and move to Fort Wayne, Indiana. It was a hard decision, but God gave me a peace about it. For the first time ever, I was no longer tied down to parents or siblings. David and I both continued to gain weight. We enjoyed eating. WE went to church potlucks and ate out with friends weekly. We thought we were invincible. Over the next 7 years, I gained 25 more lbs to a new high of 243 lbs. That weight scared me and I took a weight loss course through my church where I lost 15 lbs. As always happens, it was quickly gained back.

In 1999, my son Chris announced that he was getting married and the wedding would be in July. I tried so hard to lose weight, but could do no better than 15 lbs.

In early 2000, David and I decide to move back to California. We did not want to be long distance grandparents. As we were moving back, I weighed 245 lbs.

Between 2000 and 2005, I was able to lose and keep off 21 lbs. for a total weight of 224 lbs. I did this because the thought of not being able to sit on the floor and play with my first grandson, Garrison depressed and scared me.

Through all our weight struggles, David was alway looking for the quick fix. He tried several diets and decided that Dr. Atkins protien diet was his favorite. He processed to eat only fruit, veggies and meat... lots of red meat. I tried many times to point out to him that this was a dangerous diet, but he thought he knew what he was doing. His weight really began to balloon.

On March 21, 2005, my life stopped! My dearest friend and the love of my life died from a massive heart attack in our kitchen and I wasn't there to help him. You would think that this kind of news would have made me think it would be better to lose weight, so as not to die the way Dave did, but there was a part of me that wanted to die too and eating myself to death seemed like the easiest answer. Only one thing stopped me and that was Sarah. I needed to live for her, because the thought of leaving her with no parents broke my heart.

In 2007, I decided to be a little more serious about the weight issue. This was when I met Ray. Ray didn't seem to care about how much I weighed. He thought I was beautiful and told me so. I was still 224 when I started, but I was able to get my weight down to around 218.

In 2010, I joined calorie Counter.com and actively worked at keeping track of my weight. My high was on May 17, 2010 at 218 lbs. My low was on August 8th at 205 lbs.

On January 15th of 2011, I decided that I cannot do this alone and I joined Weight Watchers online. I asked God to help me. I began counting points and looking for healthier options. I weighed 215 lbs on that day.

I've had a few ups and downs [like my birthday week-end when I was so depressed I ate my way through San Francisco]. I need to learn healthier ways to deal with my hurt. Today, March 15th, as I write this I weight 205.5 lbs. On the 3rd of March, I hit a low of 203.5 lbs, but went on to gain over my birthday week-end.

I am not giving up! I can do this. I want to hit my next goal of being under 200 lbs. It will help me get cheaper health insurance and for the first time ever maybe I can learn to be happy and healthy with God's help.

If I succeed to get to my goal of 145 lbs. it will be the first time I've weighed that since 1984. TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS! 27!

Math time! For over 37 years of my life, I have been overweight. That's 60% of my life to date that I've been fat. I know those looks that people give you when you are fat. God forbid you should put a bite of food in your mouth with other people watching and judging. I've felt ignored by sales clerks. I've felt looked over for jobs by bosses. I've felt rejected by men because I was not supermodel thin. Even in my job now, I know that if I were thinner, I'd have better advantages, despite the fact that I literally work my butt off.

God is working with me.. in many areas. I'm learning to confront awkward situations. I'm learning to stand up for myself. I'm taking charge of my life and turning it toward a deeper relationship with the one person who loves me unconditionally and is the only person who has the right to judge me. God wants me to lose weight, but not because of how I look, but to make me healtier so that I can serve Him.

Update... my last weight was on Friday, I was at 203 lbs.

Rude Awakening

2011-03-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I know who my target audience is for this blog...

Today, I want to share about something I ordered from Focus on the Family. It is the 4 CD set of the audio reading of the book "The Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis. It is acted out by Lord of the Rings star, Andy Serkis as the devil, Screwtape and was recorded for the BBC.

I had always wanted to read this book, but my reading time is greatly limited by my job and home duties. When I saw a chance to purchase this book on audio CDs, I jumped at the chance. I drive 30 minutes each way to work by myself and this is an excellent opportunity to listen.

Two days ago, I started listening to the first CD. It was excellent. Basically, it is a collection of fictional letters written by a chief demon in hell named Screwtape who is writing to his nephew, Wormwood, an apprentice demon. Screwtape basicially teaches his nephew all the tricks for pulling man away from "the enemy" [as they like to call God].

I was enjoying the cds until last night and today. Suddenly, I am under attack at home, in my job and in my spiritual life. I really feel like the devil is trying to stop me from hearing this book. Every weird thing that can happen to stop me has. It is all small things, but when heaped up together they become unbearable. I am angry and irritable and sad and depressed all at once.

Driving home tonight, I finally had to just turn it off for now. I intend to finish it and not even Satan can stop me, but I also intend to be fully "prayed up" before trying, as I do not wish a repeat of the kind of attacks I endured the last few days.

On a side note... yesterday I took my daughter, Sarah to dinner for sushi for her birthday. She is turning 23 years old on April 6th. She is leaving Thursday for Vancouver for 11 days and this was my last chance to give her a birthday present. As we sat at dinner, we both knew that it was the anniversary of her father, David's birthday, too. He would have been 55 this year. Dave would have been pleased to know we were both eating sushi and actually enjoying it. We looked at each other each knowing that this was a happy/sad occasion, but at least we were together.

She loved her gift from her family who all chipped in to get her a wii system. Now she can watch Netflix movies again.... as soon as she finds the power chord to her television.

I feel old. Both my children are grown-ups. [although there are times when I feel like I am still a parent to my husband]. When did I get so old? Why do things happen the way they do? Where am I going to? [sorry Evita, I stole your line]

These are all questions that the enemy puts into my head to make me feel sad, depressed, defeated... He needs to shut up. He is a liar. Thank you God for reminding me that Screwtape is real and that You are in control.

So Over It

2011-03-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Having a blog seems pointless. I've much more to do with my time than write pointless opinions about myself to myself. Seems rather self-absorbed. Think I'll go back to my prayer journal.

Thanks to all who bothered to read this blog. If there is anyone who ever read this blog!

Missing You!

2011-03-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today is the 6th anniversary of my late husband's death. Today is also a Monday, just like the day that David disappeared forever from my life.

David was my perfect soul mate. He was my knight in white armor. He was my friend, my mentor, my supporter. He came into my life at the lowest point I'd ever experienced and through his gentle example and patient nature he helped to lead me to the Lord and gave me a loving, naturing environment in which to florish.

David called me every lunch hour during our entire marriage except for when he was out of town on business. He ended every phone conversation with the words, "I love you." He made me feel loved and told me I was beautiful every day we were together.

We very rarely went to bed angry. He was slow to anger and quick to apologize or forgive. He was brilliant, but not puffed up about it. You always wanted him on your team in Trivial Pursuit. He was the most humble, ethical person I have ever met.

He wasn't very good at saving money and we did fight about our views on how to get out of debt or raise our daughter. I should have listened to him more in the daughter area. The happiest I ever saw David were the day we were married and the day our Sarah was born. He was so sweet and loved Sarah so much. He cared for Sarah as much as he could [depending on his heavy work schedule]. He made it a point to always play with her after work and feed her dinner. He was a great dad. As Sarah got older, I think he struggled with raising a teen-ager. He had struggled with the same issue when Chris was a teen.

David perfered to be called David, but he always let me call him Dave. He loved music.... Boston, Django Rhinehard, Elton John, Journey and Heart. He loved playing the bass. He loved good food [sadly, it was his downfall]. He loved to read sci-fi and go to movies and discuss the plots afterwards over coffee. He taught me to love books. He introduced me to classic literature and classic music. He introduced me to JRR Tolkien's wonderful books. He shared my fascination with history and loved going to museums, seeing plays and traveling. He loved technology and we had all the latest computers, recording equipment, sound equipment and phones.

We had saved up airline mileage for us to take a romantic trip for our 20th anniversary to Scotland. He died on Monday, March 21st. One week short of his 49th birthday and 9 months short of our 20th anniversary. It was the day after my sister's wedding. He had mentioned being tired at the reception, so we went home. He woke up the next morning and told me he felt like taking the day off and resting. Instead, he mowed the lawn, took a shower and was loading the dishwasher when he had a massive heart attack. Sarah and I weren't there and did not find him until dinner time.

I hate the anniversary of this date. I hate thinking about all the things I should have done, the guilt I feel for not being there for him after all the things he did for us. Even though I know God had already seen this coming and gave Sarah and I so much grace to be able to deal with the situation, it still hurts and probably always will.

Dave was a good provider and made sure that Sarah and I would be taken care of after his passing. We're not rich, but we are able to get along. I look forward to the day I will see him again in heaven. I owe him a big hug.

I love you, Dave!

A Word from God

2011-02-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

Today God gave me a fresh word... actually a whole bunch of words! I had been reading Psalm 23 and this part [verse 4] leaped off the page at me.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Here's what God showed me.

"Yea" meaning yes, I agree with what God is about to share.

"Though I..." Not someone else or that other person, but I as in "me". God is speaking directly to me, because this is my journey.

"...walk..." It doesn't say run, skip, amble, strut or dash. God wants me to take a regular determined pace. Not so fast that I miss the lessons along the way, but not so slowly that I lose sight of where I am going.

"...through..." meaning that there will be another side of this valley and I will get out of the valley at some point, if I continue to "walk".

"...the valley..." In order for there to be a valley, there has to be mountains on either side. The mountains are where you have your mountain top experiences; your spiritual highs with God. Even though I am in a valley now, it means I have just come from a mountain top experience and once though the valley, I will be on my way up to the next mountain experience.

"...of the shadow of death..." The valley is dark and shadows abound, but this is not the valley of death, but the valley of THE SHADOW of death. Shadows are not substance, but veiled glimpses of what could be. It reminds us that this valley is not our home, but a place of both cooling breezes or dark evil hidden spots.

"... I will fear no evil..." We have no reason to fear, because the God of all things provides protection. How?

"For you are with me, Your rod and Your staff comfort me." I read this as three presences comforting me. God the father is there and with Him are His rod and His staff. The staff is a symbol of protection and authority. The authority of God goes out before us as we walk through this dark earthly realm. This is like Jesus; walking before us, guiding us to the mountain top experience. The rod is a symbol of correction as a father would correct a child. The Holy Spirit becomes our rod of correction wielded by our loving Father to keep us on the correct path.

As I meditated on this verse, it became clear that I have two places in this scenario. Sometimes I am the person walking through the valley. I am alone and afraid. The shadows of my life have overwhelmed me. Without God, I can not go any further. The second part I play in this scene is of the trailblazer... the mother, friend, teacher, or mentor who has already walked through the valley on my way to the next mountain. I stand on the hillside and watch my fellow man walk the trails both in front of me and behind me. I can see from my new position that a loved one has become lost in the valley behind me. It is my job to tell them about the pitfalls along the way and encourage them to continue the journey. As they stand in the dark shadows of the valley, they cannot see God clearly. They are overwhelmed by the thickness of the forest or the darkness of the shadows, but from were I stand, I can see God clearly ~ near them. I can provide the encouragement to let them know that God is still there with His rod and His staff.

As a leader at my church, this second scenario helps me to know that I play an important part in God's plan. I am the struggling soul that needs others to encourage me. I am the person who has finally climbed out of the valley thanks to those ahead who mentored me through the process. I am the trailblazer who leads those behind me to reach the mountain top where I have stood.

It's amazing to me that God can paint such a giant picture with so few words.

ANTS!

2011-02-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

Our home is currently enduring an invasion of little black ants. We've tried everything to get them to go. We even tried charging them admission, but like Disneyland.. they wanted more attractions for less money.

I read online that if you kill that first lone scout ant that the rest will leave. Sadly, in our case it just caused the ants to send large search parties. We laid out little poison hotels and the ants just walked around it. We even put tiny lighted signs saying "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". It didn't help. The online website neglected to tell us ants can't read.

My next thought is to draw them onto a paper plate full of bacon, pork rinds, cheese fries and alcohol in the hope that they will have tiny heart attacks or at least clogged arteries. Instead they set up camp and watched the super bowl. They even fashioned little hats out of the cheese and had signs reading "GO PACKERS".

The ant website said to find their trails and kill them were it starts. I always thought ants were followers and stayed in line, but these are rogue ants who march to a different beat.

I have been killing the ones I see with household cleaner from a spray bottle. You would think that the site of little dead ant bodies would stop them in their paths, but instead I find the ants crowding around the bodies and doing a BONES style investigation into the cause of death.

They seem to like to come in when it's raining and this week it will be raining for 5 days straight. So I guess I'd better make up their tiny rooms and get their favorite snacks ready, because if you can't beat them, exploit them!

What Is Love?

2011-01-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes God has an amazing thought for you, but He's put it in someone's elses mind. God makes a way for you to hear that thought and it resonates in your spirit. A spark egnites and viola'... break-through!

This last week-end, our church had a guest speaker. An amazingly interesting man, who delivered a thought to me that caused a spiritual break-through.

Before I tell you this earth-shattering thought, it's important for you to know that just this last week in my prayer times, I was asking God what "love" is. I was having a "nobody loves me" day and I was hurt and angry.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I don't know how to love or be loved. How do we know we are "in love"? What is love exactly? I love to sing. I love an ice cold glass of milk. I love comfy warm jammies on a cold night. Maybe we use this word too freely and it becomes common place and stops being special.

The Bible is full of the word LOVE.

As I thought about it, it occurred to me that in order to learn to love, it must be modeled by your parents while you are young and impressionable. If the only way you know love is that your parents worked hard to "show" you they love you than you learned that LOVE must be earned. I knew my parents loved me, because my Dad went to work every day working three jobs to support us. He never said the words, but it was implied. I knew my mother loved me, because she carefully did my laundry, fixed me meals and took care of me when I was sick, but like Dad, I don't remember her saying the words when I was young.

As I grew I learned from boyfriends that "love" meant they wanted to use you. As soon as they found someone else to love more they ran like gazelles being hunted by lions.

I don't recall ever saying "I Love you" to any of my siblings. Does that mean I don't love them? Or do I only love them because they are family and I grew up with them?

Back to our guest speaker....
He too had trouble with the word "love". Based on his childhood and past, He didn't know what love was or how to know it was real. He didn't really love himself and therefore found it impossible to love others. He was so desperate to find love that he looked in all the wrong places and found a love that was twisted and perverted. He didn't understand how God could love him because he had such a warped view of love.

One day, he had a divine revelation of God and who God was. He gave up all his bad life style choices and turned to God. He found a church that would accept him as he was. They valued him and his presence in their church. The guest speaker said that he had never felt "valued" before. Unconditionally accepted as he was; for who he was. As he read his Bible, he decided to replace the word "love" with the word "value" and everything took on a new meaning.

"For God so valued the world that He gave his only son..."

"The priests took their positions, as did the Levites with the LORD’s musical instruments, which King David had made for praising the LORD and which were used when he gave thanks, saying, “His VALUE endures forever.”

"I obey your statutes, for I VALUE them greatly."

Value was something the guest speaker could understand. Something worth sacrificing for because its value was of great importance to you. This made sense to me.

I love drinking ice cold milk, but do I value it as a treasured possession?

God valued me as a treasured possession so much that He was willing to pay a high price for me. A price that called for great sacrifice. Who do I care for so much that I would sacrifice everything to have them in my life? My children? My husband? My brother and sisters? My grandsons?

When I think of love in terms of the value that person has in my life, not because of what they can do for me, but because of who they are to me than I can learn to love them. When I learn to value myself, I will learn to value others.

So my new question became... did my parents value me and the contribution I was in their life? Do I value my children? or husband?

Thankfully, before both of my parents died, they made sure that they told me how much they loved me and how important I was in their lives. My late husband told me every day of our married life that he loved me, but I knew he loved me, because he treated me like someone of value....like royalty. He modeled love to me in such a way that I just knew he loved and valued me as his life partner. He put me first in everything and sacrificed for me and our daughter.

I raised my son as if he were the most important thing in my life, because he is. God had entrusted me with a valuable gift. Sometimes it called for personal sacrifice of staying behind while his father went places. It was worth the price of staying up late to care for him when he was sick or scare away the monsters in his room by staying there until he fell asleep. Hours of driving him to events, rehearsals, or music lessons, because I invested in him as a treasured possession. I valued him.

I raised my daughter the same way. Investing in her with time by homeschooling her. Taking her to historical places and teaching her things she would need to know in later life. Treating her as I had treated her brother before her. I valued her more than life itself.

Now I am learning to value myself. To learn that my contributions in the lives of others does have meaning. That God does think of me as a precious jewel to be loved and cared for. I am valued! I am loved!

The Guy on the Corner

2011-01-25T23:34:00.000-08:00

Every morning when I drive up Beach Blvd on my way to work, I pass a man standing on a corner. That's not so unusual. Men stand at bus stops and corners everywhere along Beach Blvd.

He is a slim Chinese man in his 40's, nicely dressed in comfortable clothing. He stands out, because he waves at every car that passes. He's been doing this for at least 2 years that I can remember. I don't know why he does it, but He never smiles....EVER! He simply stands there expressionless and waves at every car.

There are a great many cars on Beach Blvd at every hour of the day or night. At this point, the road is 3 lanes going each way. That's a ton of cars to wave at.

Some mornings I smile and wave back, but I get no reaction from him other than the emotionless wave and very little eye contact.

As I drove past him this morning, several thoughts entered my mind.

1. He is just really friendly, but had a stroke and cannot smile?

2. He trying to hitch a ride and no one ever told him to use his thumb?

3. He's insane and waves, because he doesn't know any better?

4. Someone told him that in America. people wave at every car they pass?

I often wonder what he's thinking, as he waves at me. I wonder if he's wondering what I think. Someday I'll pass that corner and he won't be there anymore. I wonder if I will miss him and his wave.

2011

2011-01-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

And so it begins....

Another new year and a new decade! I am trying to make this a year in which I connect more deeply with God. I want to go to the next level in my spiritual walk. At our church, we are fasting for 7 days. This is day #3. Every day at noon, we meet in the main sanctuary to pray for an hour. So far my talks with God have been wonderful.

I heard a Godly principle three times from three different sources this week. This is one of the ways God speaks. Basically, the message was that this is a year for digging deep and listening to God. God will ask me to sacrifice something this year. He will ask me to give up something I have been holding onto. He wants my unquestioning obedience. It is a test... like Abraham and Isaac. I don't yet know what He wants, but I need to prepare myself to act on it.

One thing I've decided is that this is a year for breaking off relationships that are counterproductive and cultivating new ones. This is a year for waiting on the Lord and listening to His still small voice in the midst of storms. This is a year to do more things God's way. To be stretched! To practice reining in my bad habits and unpleasant ways and replace them with a nature pleasing to God.

Do I have clear ideas about what these things will be? No, not really. Control my temper is surely one. Losing weight is always on the list. Finishing projects would be good, but I fear that there are areas where God wants me to stop doing some things and finish other more Kingdom minded projects.

If nothing else... this will be an interesting year, but the best part of the year will be spending time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandsons again.

So far 2011 seems like a good year!

Hearing from God

2010-12-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it seems like months go by without hearing a clear word from God. Today as I drove to work, I started saying my usual prayers and without thinking about it, I asked God if He is pleased with me.

I didn't expect the reply I got, but God spoke... instantly!

He told me that He loved me more than I will ever be able to understand. That He is pleased with me and I make Him smile when He sees me worshipping Him.

I thought about that for a minute and God knew I was confused by the statement. Suddenly, He put this thought into my spirit.

"I am God and I am larger than anything you will ever imagine. There is no beginning in Me and no end. Love, grace and mercy are attributes of me that are as immense as I am."

What? What do you mean, Father? I am confused.

"There is no beginning or end of my love for you. It is so big that you cannot escape from it. My love surrounds you like the air you breath. My mercy and grace are also more than you will ever understand. I can't run out of grace or mercy or love. It is always there waiting for you."

This is a deep thought, because as much as I love my children, my husband or my family... God loves me a billion times more than that. I can't conceive of this kind of love. I can't conceive of a father who loves me so much that I have His undivided attention.

He continued..."My daughter, every person in the world who loves you will at some point let you down. Not because they want to, but because they live in an imperfect world. I will never let you down. It is impossible for me to disappoint you. If you are disappointed, it did not come from me, but from the world. Are you hurt? Come to me. Are you angry? Come to me. Are you struggling? Come to me. Is there injustice? Tell me about it. I so long to have you come to me in all things. That's all I've ever wanted from you."

"This is a season to put on blinders and protect yourself from the enemies distractions. Focus only on me. Listen only to my voice. If you do not understand what is going on, turn to my word. My word is alive and I have prepared it from the dawn of time to spoke life into every situation you face. Learn to get your attention from me. Learn to listen to my Holy Spirit direct you in what to do and when to do it. Let this be in every area of your life... your diet, your social life, your marriage."

What an awesome Christmas gift! Just when I thought God couldn't share with me more than He already had, He added this:

"When you can finally understand how much I love you and you learn to love yourself than you will be happy in your life. I want you to share my love, grace and mercy with others unselfishly. As you give it away, I will give you back ten times more. This is the one thing I want most for all my children. Love ME, love yourself and love others as I have loved you. Let everything else fade away, because they are unimportant in My perfect design. They do not last, but my love is eternal."

As I prayed on this throughout the day, this thought occurred to me.. God loved me so much that He named this love... He called Him.... Jesus!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU and so does GOD!

Nothing and Everything

2010-12-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

I have no clue what to blog on today. There are tons of other things I could be doing, but I just don't feel like it. Life has been so busy lately and as a people pleaser, I am wearing myself out trying to be all things to all people. Not because I want to impress them. Mostly I always want to be someone that others can count on to do what I say I will do and do it to the best of my abilities and on time.

I'm an over-achiever. My Christmas shopping is done. The church main Christmas services are over. I did all my baking and cooked for the parties I needed to cook for, but am I happpy? Not really. This season should be more than me working myself into a mess. It should be about Jesus. It should be a time when I wrap my arms around the Father and tell Him how much I love Him and appreciate what He does for me. A time to spend an hour loving God and knowing that He loves me in return. It should be about me humbling myself and singing praises to my Heavenly Father. To worship Him and thank Him in all things... good and bad.

While my mind says "you need to do your laundry", my heart says " Spend some time reading the Christmas story and loving on God."

To quote the Ghost of Christmas Past "My Time grows short." Father, help me to be able to put all things into your order and do them as onto you. Help me to find joy in the boring tasks. Show mw your way and don't let me trust my own understanding of situation. In all my ways, let me acknowledge you.

Reality Check

2010-11-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

Jesus had all the power of the universe at His disposal when He walked the earth and yet He choose to be humble and obedient. Jesus was the son of God, but choose to be a simple carpenter and a poor traveling evangelist. Jesus was God! Still He choose to be a servant.

Position means nothing! Being first will not solve your problems. Thinking yourself better than others will not make you any better than the next guy.

Father, help me to be humble. Help to be a servant like Jesus. Give me a reality check!

I Had Lost Sight....

2010-11-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

The other day I was driving to work. It had been a rough morning following an even tougher week-end. I was sad and depressed. I always talk to God while I drive. That morning was no exception.

"Why God? Why is my life so... hard!"

As I traveled down Pacific Coast Highway, it was as if my sight had gone from 2D to 3D. The trees were suddenly greener. The sky more blue. The view of Catalina Island across the water was so vivid. The ocean waves circled in a way I had never noticed before. Flowers I had never noticed before were blooming from every patch of green. God had reminded me in a second how beautiful His creations are. Every day I drive through God's nature wonderland and yet I never even look at it. I am so consumed by temporary issues that I don't see the gift of beauty He provides every morning.

A childhood memory popped into my head. I was lying on the soft grass in a huge field at my school during recess, looking up through the branches of the trees into the clear blue sky. The wind blow softly across my face and hair. I was guessing what the clouds most looked like. I was watching how quickly the clouds moved across the blue canvas of air. I was at peace!

When did I stop being a child? When was the last time I sat on a curb and played with the stream of running water... making small boats out of dried leaves. When was the last time I laid on the ground and studied the ants as they lifted a heavy object. When was the last time, I sat and memorized the silhouette of someone I loved. Trying hard to burn into my mind every line of their face. Every smile. Every gesture. I longed for my childhood to return knowing that the task was be impossible.

God reminded me... I am still a child ... His child. The ants still lift, the wind still blows, the water still trickles, the clouds still move. God still makes all these wonders for me to enjoy and I am still His child.

This week I rediscovered how wonderful classical music is. I don't remember why I stopped listening, but God reminded me that simple pleasures are always the best.

Vacation Follow-up

2010-09-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

A few blogs ago, I had expressed my need to visit family in Illinois. Well, I finally got to go "back east" as my parents use to say.

I really enjoyed seeing my Aunt Mary Ellen and Uncle Gordie again. They both looked so good. I enjoyed sharing with them and hearing all the news. We ate at Cracker Barrel... always a thrill for this California bound girl. We talked about old times and sat out on the back deck visiting. It was so relaxing!

I got a chance to spend time with my Aunt Rosie, too. Growing up, she was always one of my favorite people. Sadly, she is in a nursing home now and suffers from Alzheimer Disease. For the first 40 minutes of our chat, she did not remember me. I told her several times who I was. At one point, when I told her I was Harold's niece, she said surprised, "My Harold?"
Finally, a light went on when she asked me my name again and I simply said "Janet". I didn't think she would remember my name as just Jan. Her eyes teared up and she said, "Janet? Gene's daughter?" Thank you God for letting her make the connection mentally. She made me laugh several times. At one point she asked me if I wanted her to make me something to eat. Later, she asked where I was staying and did I want to sleep over. When I was a child that would have made me so happy to hear both those questions. When I told her that I didn't think we would fit in her twin sized bed, she simply said, "Well, you can sleep on the floor." The best thing she said all day was..."You sound just like your Mom." Ten minutes later, she said, "You don't sound like your Mom at all." and then later..."You sound just like yourself." At least I got a chance to thank her for all the things she did for me as a child.

I also got to spend the day with my best pal from my Fort Wayne days. Laura and I were such good friends and I missed her so much. When I knew I was coming to the Chicago area. I asked if there was any way we could meet up, as her husband, John works in Chicago during the week. The three of us had a great dinner [Italian food, of course, for Mr. Mannarino] and then we walked over to a Starbucks nearby and talked for over 6 hours. Gosh, I missed them both so much, but the wonderful thing was that it was like we had never been apart at all. Her daughter is getting married in January, but I don't know if I can make it to the wedding. One day, I'll go back to Fort Wayne and hang with the old gang.

The only scary part of this trip was driving in rush hour traffic on a Friday night in Chicago. Thank God for country roads!

The Fair

2010-09-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

Ray and I went to the Los Angeles County Fair on Friday. There were tons of new changes and unfamiliar things to see, but everywhere I went, I encountered wonderful and not so wonderful memories.

THE RESTROOMS NEAR THE FARM ANIMALS ~ As I walked past the restrooms near the Fairview farm area, I was reminded of the time that I took Chris to the fair when he was little. He needed to go to the restroom and he was just old enough that he needed to use the men's bathroom by himself. I patiently waited outside for what seemed like a L-O-N-G time. I started to worry. Finally, I got up the courage to ask an older gentlemen to check and see if there was a blond, blue-eyed child in there maybe playing in the water at the sink. After a minute, the gentleman came out laughing and said that there was indeed a young boy sitting there happily singing at the top of his lungs. The man had told him I was looking for him. I love Chris. There was never a dull moment with him.

THE MHS MARCHING BAND - Part 1 ~ Back in the 1990's, my son Chris played quads in the marching band. One year, they played the fair and I took his baby sister to see Chris march. It was a hot day, but they marched like crazy. Sarah was well behaved and Chris loved using his baby sister as a chick magnet. I have a great photo of the two of them together. It's one of my favorites.

THE MHS MARCHING BAND ~ Part 2 ~ When I was a junior in high school, I had my first chance to go to the fair alone. I was there to hang out with some friends from the marching band who were marching that night. I don't even remember how I got there, but I do remember having had a cavity filled that day and my mouth was numb part of the day. I was also afraid to eat anything for fear the new filling would fall out. [back in the day of metal fillings]. I had a crush on a guy from my class named Mike, who had a younger brother named Dennis. I really liked Mike, but he wasn't interested in me, so I ended up spending the evening with his little brother. He talked me into going on a ride called THE ZIPPER. As I was walking past THE ZIPPER Friday, tons of bad memories flashed over me of how scary and sickening that ride was. The worst part was when the car tipped over at the top, all my change fell out of my pockets and the biker type ride operator/carnie down below decided that it was now his money. Thankfully, Dennis bought me a coke later.

MACKINAC ISLAND FUDGE ~ Every year, the fair sells Mackinac Islands fudge and every year that we would go with my Mom [and there weren't too many] she would have to buy that fudge. The Mackinac Islands are located in upper Michigan which is near where her father was born. Plus Mom was a fudge connoisseur, especially chocolate walnut fudge. I bought a slide of Chocolate walnut fudge in your honor Mom! YUM!

TRAINS ~ My late husband, Dave and I use to go to the fair every year. He especially loved looking at the HO gauge trains that ran around the small gardens. This year, Ray and I discovered something we had never seen before. There is a permanent Train Museum located at the fair grounds with a dozen of the biggest trains I have ever seen up close. Dave would have loved this exhibit. The part I enjoyed the most was that they had moved the original Arcadia train station to this location to serve as the museum building. The train station is from the early 1900's and features Queen Anne cottage style architecture with tons of gingerbread trim. It is painted in the coolest yellow, white and tan colors.

CHRIS AND THE FAIR TICKETS ~ Every year, the Ontario-Montclair School District would give free fair tickets to all the school children. They had been doing that since I was a child. The year that Chris was in kindergarten, they passed at tickets the first week of school. I stood outside the classroom, with dozens of other Moms waiting for the class to get out. As the bell rang and doors opened, out poured the students and my wonderful funny Chris, who at the top of his lungs was singing... "I got two tickets to the fair tonight." [Thank you Eddie Money]

MOM - My last memory is of the last time I went to the fair with my Mom in 1988. I was living in Torrance with my baby daughter, Sarah and told my Mom I wanted to go to the fair and that she should go with me. She didn't seem real excited about it. She had tons of excuses about babysitting other grandchildren or fixing Dad's dinner, but ultimately, I won and she agreed to go. We had such a good time. We looked at sewing exhibits and craft projects made by locals. We ate fudge and had fried chicken and roasted corn for lunch. It was the most time I had spent with my Mom since I had left home 16 years earlier. She enjoyed holding Sarah and playing with her and she shared tons of her own memories. I miss you Mom.

What I loved best about the fair was that it reminded me of all the things I loved and missed most about my family and friends... a mini trip down memory land and a chance to create new memories with Ray.

King Kong 3D?

2010-07-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today after I finished my morning of work at the church, Ray and I dashed off to Universal Studios Hollywood for a quick fun afternoon. We have year long passes, which I doubt we will renew, so this is not an unusual thing for us. We wanted to see the all new KING KONG 360 3-D attraction.

The weather was beautiful. We had a great parking spot. There was no wait to get into the park... It was perfect... than all hell broke loose.

I have NEVER seen so many people at Universal in my life. The rides all had long lines. The restaurants all had long lines.... even the bathrooms all had long lines and no paper towels or toilet paper. Bad start!

So what do I think of KING KONG 3D?

Well... sadly, I find myself saying..."Disney would have done this better." The experience didn't start out well when they handed us a set of cheap re-usable 3D glasses with scratched lenses. They cut the actual tour short, because of the crowds which left out many of my favorite parts of the tour. Several productions still filming caused us to have to stop and be silent while they finished the scene. [Desperate Housewives, Parenthood and a top secret live action film for Disney that is using a castle built in the fake lake.]

Finally... the BIG MOMENT. Basically, it's a huge drive-in 360* 3D theater. The tram drives in to a dark space, the doors close and bam...it starts. Dinosaurs fighting and eating each other. Giant creatures jumping and throwing themselves at us. Water spitting at us. King Kong saving us from the chaos.

Although it was great 3D technology, I found it hard to watch, blurry in spots and way too short. I was really disappointed. I miss the roundness of the old furry King Kong. The retro-ness of the New York Street scenes. It almost felt too rushed when they made it. Basically just a big metal building with a 3D movie in it with state of the arts motion, sound and film, but I didn't feel like I'd hung out with King Kong.

So how could Disney have done it better? I would have taken it OUT of the tram tour and made it in the actual park, possibly near Jurassic Park Attraction. I would have used moving vehicles [like the Haunted Mansion]. I would have shaped them like ski lift cars and had them raise up from the ground with water underneath. I would have added foliage, more rocks anything to make me feel like I was actually on Skull Island. I would have given out better quality 3D glasses. [in hind sight - I should have brought my own 3D glasses from home] I would have had some of the real rocks and foliage as foreground in front of the recessed 3D projection walls to give it more dimension. With a continuous vehicle feed, the park could have gotten more people in the attraction. Better speakers located in your vehicle would have given the attraction scarier sound. The views would not have been so blocked by the closeness of the tram. The movement of the vehicle would have seemed scarier if you were suspended over water.

Will I go on it again? Sure, if we go back to the park before our passes expire, but its not high of my list of things to do.

Peter Jackson, for all your pre-show hype, you let me down. Please stop consulting on park attractions and get back to what you do best... make THE HOBBIT!

Health Care at a Cost!

2010-07-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I was finally able to get health care Insurance, but it came with a surprise cost.

I had gotten a quote from Anthem Blue Cross for a policy that has a $2500 deduction with payments of $208 a month. [also, I still have to pay 30% of costs on top of all this]. I was thrilled when the company called me and told me I'd been accepted, but 3 days later, my insurance agent called with a new twist... I'd been accepted... but only if the deductible is $5,000 and the monthly payment is $315. per month. This will be a HUGE strain on my monthly budget, but I don't have a lot of choices.

The company's reasoning for this change was my age and weight. They said I am a health risk. I was told that if I go for a physical and have my weight charted by a physician and can lose enough weight to be at 202 lbs and I maintain it for 6 months, they will "look into" reviewing my case and "maybe" lowering the rate.

I weight 212 lbs right now, so all this is for 10 lbs? I seriously don't get it, but I will work at losing more weight than they require. I am searching for an in-network physician now, so I don't want to start losing weight until they record my 1st weight "officially". I would really like to freak them out by losing a bunch of weight, but I'm not completely confident that I can do it.

I'm a stress eater. I work at a stressful job with lots of deadlines and a few other stresses. I come home to a stressful life there and let's face it... we live in the end times... talk about major stress!!!

If you think about it, please lift me up in prayer for the next 6 or 7 months.

Missing People!

2010-07-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been missing family. I seem to spend a lot of time alone. Yes, I know my husband is sitting in the other room, but I might as well be alone, because he never stops watching television, not even to eat... and we never talk. We never do anything together. He's going on a trip next week with his buddy to Washington. Hope he enjoys himself... maybe his buddy is a better kisser than I am.

Faced with being alone must of the time.....

I got to spend quality time with my daughter, Sarah. She's gone vegan after a year of being vegetarian, so we ate at a local vegan restaurant called Mother's. We had some really good flap jacks with fresh fruit. Very enjoyable.

I had a great lunch last week with two of my sisters, Cindy and Theresa. We went to Mrs. Knott's for chicken. It was really good. We talked about all kinds of things and had a great time.

Recently, my cousin Steve, posted a picture of his parents [my aunt and uncle]. I got a lump in my throat looking at that picture and realizing how much I missed them. I'm working on how and when I can get back to my birthplace in Illinois and visit with these two wonderful people.

I'd love to go back to Indiana and see my dear friend, Laura. Another friend there just recently lost her husband and I'd love to see her again and share with her.

Plus, there's always a chance to go to Colorado and see my grandsons, son and daughter-in-law. Being a long distance grandparent sucks.

It's times like these I wish I were a millionaire. I would quit working and travel to visit all my friends that I miss. *SIGH* Someday!

Camping...It's Not For The Weak

2010-06-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

So Ray and I just came back from a week of camping and fishing in Bishop, California.

Bishop is a very warm place... both in temperature and the in hearts of its residents. The people are very friendly and it's a fairly small rancher community with lots of down to earth people.

We rented a pop-up tent trailer. It sounded like a good idea at the time. It turned out to be an expensive nightmare. It kept falling apart and Ray had to keep fixing things on it.

All you can do is sleep in it and just barely store your things. It didn't lock, so we had to trust the locals. Cooking was impossible unless you go outside and use a campfire or propane stove. Washing up was an even bigger challenge, as the sink was very small and the water pressure causes the water to shoot out of the tiny faucet covering you and all the other items in the trailer. We ended up using the camp's community showers and doing all our dishes outside in a tub.

The padding on the beds was about 1/2" thick, so it felt like sleeping on boards, because we were...sleeping on boards.

Our camping space was located along the back fence of the property. A nice grassy area with hook-ups for water and electricity. Each space had a fire ring and a picnic table. It had a beautiful view of Mammoth Mountain covered in snow in the background. It would have been perfect except for one thing... Our camping space was adjunct to the local golf course and the back three holes ran along the fences where we camped. Several times every hour, golf balls would come flying into our area. The only thing that saved us many times was the large cottonwood tree providing us with shade and allergies most of the day. Several times throughout the day, I wanted to jump over the 4 ft tall wire fence and give golf lessons to the duffers slicing into our campsite. I suggested selling beer to the golfers as they passed, but I guess you need a license for that.

I like a good campfire and we had one going every night. This was where the next problem arose. Every evening as the sun goes down a unique ritual takes place in Bishop... the watering of the golf course. It runs in 2 or 3 cycles every couple of hours with the last one at about 11 pm. They have the sprinklers set to cover all the way to the fence line, plus a couple of extra feet. Unfortunately, this is where our fire ring sat along with us. The first night, it wiped out our fire completely and soaked us, so we went to bed. The next day we dragged the fire ring in a few feet as to avoid the waterfall effect. That night, the boys went to bed early and Kathy and I stayed up with the fire until it burned down. It didn't have to burn down. Sure enough, we got hit again. By the third night it was getting quite funny. Some one would yell, "WATER" and we'd all get up, slide our chairs away and wait until the water moved back over the fence.

The saddest part of the trip was that every day for 4 days in a row, we got up early, bought bait and drove to one of hundreds of local fishing spots. We never did catch a single fish. We even got a local fishing expert and friend to be our guide and show us some of the popular spots. Still no fish. We changed bait, lures, tackle and line several times and not even a bite. Funny that Bishop calls itself the fishing capital of central California. I think they mean they are fishing for your tourist dollars. Feeling sorry for us, our guide had us over for a salmon BBQ at his place and he was an excellent cook. He is now forgiven!

Well, it was an interesting week.

Travel trailer Rent = .....$615.00
Travel trailer insurance = $180.00
Gasoline = ................$140.00
Food = ....................$108.00
Bait & tackle = ............$53.00
Vacation time from work = priceless

Next time I'm going to stay in a hotel with a pool and air-conditioning. I'm going to see the local sites and read a good book while someone else cooks and cleans for us...and every night we will go out and eat fish someone else cooked and cleaned! OR MAYBE I'LL JUST GO TO WALT DISNEY WORLD AGAIN!

Facing Reality Hurts!

2010-05-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today I learned or should I say re-learned an old Biblical principal. I had been neglecting this principal for quite some time and it was presented to me in a fresh way this morning by a person I have come to think of as an old friend that I barely ever see anymore. [which is sad].

I had forgotten to take EVERY THOUGHT captive.

I had been carrying on sarcastic conversations in my mind about almost every situation I encountered, especially if I did not approve of the results. Since I am prevented from being negative openly, I had begun to be negative secretly. Negativity is like a monster that toys with its victim. You know it wants to consume you, but rather than spare you, it eats you alive in small painful bites... very slowly. The worst is that you are helping the monster consume you by your every action.

I had let negativity consume me to the point where I no longer cared if I were eaten. I had become cold and heartless. Bitter... depressed... angry... every little supposed offense was like salt in an open wound. I started building tall walls around me that no one could climb unless I choose to let them. I was tired of being hurt and I blamed everyone but myself for this.

There were very few people I could be honest with in my life, maybe only four people total.... my two daughters, my son and my accountability partner in Arizona.

When I realized this morning what was happening to me, my heart broke. I had hurt the one person God had entrusted to me the most...my husband... and sadly, myself.

So how do you start over? As I drove home, I found myself being negative about the drivers around me. As soon as the thought popped into my head, I told myself to stop and I asked God to forgive me. After several of these thoughts, I began to get very tired of thinking at all.

I am now beginning the process of taking every thought captive until it becomes so automatic that I never have any negative thoughts at all. This is a task far too hard for me to accomplish, so I am asking the Holy Spirit to prompt me, God to forgive me and Jesus to heal me from all the hurt I have caused myself and others.

The true test will come as I face difficult circumstances...which I pretty much face every day both at home and at work. I need to start protecting myself with the Word of God much more regularly. I need to find time to invest in myself, my husband and my marriage.

The truth hurts... a lot! But things can only get better from here, because I have no other place to go, but up. Thank you Jesus!

Waking Sleeping Beauty

2010-03-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

Ray and I drove to Century City today to see a documentary entitled "Waking Sleeping Beauty". It was really good. The plot was basically home footage, interviews, film clips and photo montages of inside the Disney Animation Studio during the "Golden Age" between 1984 and 1994. [the Eisner, Frank Wells, Roy Disney and Jeffrey Katzenberg era]

I learned a few really important things from this movie that I hope will help me in my own life:

1. Although working overtime to complete a worthy project might win you public accolades or even an Oscar, it will also cause you to possibly lose your health, your spouse, and your kids in divorce; because of your neglect.

2. Employees are happier when you take good care of them. Than they won't have a reason to leave your employ and start another studio somewhere, perhaps even taking half your staff with them.

2. Everything you do, do your best at and don't seek honors or attention, but do it humbly. Your reward in heaven will be worth much more than any man can give you and a humble man is respected more than a bossy or neglectful boss who ignore you.

3. Sometimes it pays to listen to the ideas of your employees. They are on the front lines and as a boss, you aren't! They know better than anyone what goes on in the real world and what everyday people might like or dislike.

4. If you're a boss, communication is the key to success. Don't leave your employees hanging trying to guess what is going on next. They will respect you more if you tell them face to face rather than through someone on their same level or someone under them.

An Instant Answer To Prayer

2010-03-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

I love when God answers prayer instantly. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it reinforces my faith in the fact that God really loves me.

My husband doesn't show me very much affection. That stopped shortly after we were married. I don't know why he stopped, but sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This week has been very challenging. I've had trouble with a bad allergy cough for weeks now, so I already don't feel very well. Work has been a struggle [but when isn't it a struggle?] and I was just really frustrated. My husband goes to bed about 2 hours before I do. Last night, as I turned off all the lights to prepare for bed, I walked past him sleeping soundly in the bed. As is my custom, I asked God to bless him as he slept and prayed for him in other areas. As I ended my prayer, I told God..."I just want some one to hug me. I miss being hugged." Than I quietly crawled into bed.

It wasn't even 10 seconds before Ray rolled over and wrapped his arms around me in his sleep. He never does that. I was shocked, but immediately broke into tears of joy, because God answered my prayer so quickly. What an awesome heavenly Father I have!

Knowing God

2010-02-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

It seems like after the last few years of uncertainty in my life, I am now at a point where I want to finally make some life changing decisions. I’m tired of the emotional up and downs. I’m not fond of change. It usually involves adjustment and that’s so uncomfortable. I guess what I’m actually looking for is the joy of the Lord and the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am struggling with two areas: my weight and my spiritual life.
I am using the “habit” theory that anything you do continually will become habit after 14 days.

The weight struggle begins with my self-realization that I eat when hurt, stressed or bored. I saw my mother do it for many years. She kept candy hidden in her room. She probably used it on tough days to make herself feel better. She did have a tough life. She never was able to do the things she dreamed about… like becoming a baseball statistician. There were times when I think she felt like she had lost control of her life and fell into depression about it.

Food is my reward for the days when I feel miserable about my life. Despite trying everything I can think of in the way of dieting, I recently came to the realization that the problem was deeper than trying to lose weight. That leads to my next struggle.

I need God. ~ I need God every day, all day, desperately!!! I have always loved God. I have always served Him. I believe the Bible is God’s inspired Word and that Jesus is my Savior and died for me….. However, deep down inside, I had never come to the realization that my life isn’t about me. It’s about God. God created me to please Him, not to please me and under His perfect will, I am favored, protected and loved.

Basically, I have lived life as someone who just let things happen and reacted or adjusted to the situation…. a lifetime of reactions, instead of action. All this time, I should have been consulting God about the decisions I make. I should have been praising Him in joyful times, as well as sorrowful times. Instead, I put God in a box and only opened the box for church or when in distress.

I’ve since learned that it’s the continual dialog, the open and constant worship, the praise and complete dependence on God that would have pleased Him. So many blessings and opportunities for favor passed me by, because I laughingly thought that I controlled my life.

I always seemed to put my problems first. I always made my decisions based on what I thought God should do for me, instead of asking God first what He really wants. I need to make God so big in my life that I disappear and only God can be seen when people look at me. In other words, John 3:30, "He must become greater; I must become less".

I am working on both these areas. I hope to accomplish this by learning more about what God wants through His written word, the Bible. My goal is to turn to the Bible, instead of the kitchen in times of hurt or stress… or even boredom. I have good days and bad days, but I have to admit that the mood swings have lessened. Of course, some of my life situations aren’t perfect yet. They may never be perfect, but I have learned to accept that if it is God’s will, all things work out and I am content, because I trust God to know what’s best for me.

“The Christian life consists in what God does for us, not what we do for God; the Christian life consists in what God says to us, not what we say about God.” ~ Eugene Peterson. Subversive Spirituality.

The State of Health Care

2010-02-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

I am so depressed. I do not have health care. I can't afford it, but I have been providing it for my daughter, because I worry about her. Anthem Blue Cross just raised her premium from $128 per month to $169 per month. They say I can opt out and keep the same policy with no prescription coverage for $122. per month.

As I looked closer at her policy changes, I realized that Sarah's deductible is $500 and her total out of pocket is $7,500. By the time she pays her $40. doctor visits and full price for her meds, she will be in debt. How can she afford these costs? For that matter, who can?

That leaves me with my own health care issues. I have not been to a doctor since 2004. I lost all coverage when my late husband passed away. Because of my age and weight, I have been told that if I were even accepted by a health care provider that my policy premiums would be in excess of $600 per month and I would still have tons of out of pockets expenses. With rent, groceries, car insurance and other bills, I would be paying out twice what I make in a month. So I just don't have insurance. My husband is on social security/disability and can not provide me with health care. My job does not offer health care or even have a group rate.

I have lost all faith in the health care system and our federal government's ability to do anything constructive to help the average American. What do I have to do to be covered? Loss all my assets? Never get sick? Just die thereby decreasing the surplus population?

What happened to the American Dream?

It's the End of the World As We Know It!

2010-01-19T23:23:00.000-08:00

I've lived in California over 85% of my life. I've seen many things happen that make you take notice. Today took the cake!

We had thunder and lightening in the OC. We almost never get that. We had buckets of rain.. really hard rain! We had sleet and rain flying sideways. Than We had THE tornado in Orange County.

People saw the warning on their TV screens. Friends called friends. The City Emergency system of Westminster actually called my workplace and warned us to move to a safer area of the building. It rained like I've never seen it rain before in my life here. I stepped outside and literally watched the air above me traveling in scary circular motions.

Even more bizarre was that 2 hours later.... sunshine and blue skies.

The main street of Disneyland flooded and quickly filled with happy ducks from miles around.

Tonight, we had an earthquake in Downey! Does anyone feel the need to repent?

Despite all that, I had a great day and an awesome time talking to the Lord at noontime prayer. God is good!

Who Inspires Me?

2010-01-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

Recently at a staff meeting, we were asked to share what person [famous or not so famous] "inspires" us the most. We were told we couldn't say Jesus.

At the time, I shared that I was inspired by Walt Disney and the apostle, Paul. I was surprised to learn in studying about these two men how much they had in common. What inspired me most were that both were passionate about what they did, what they could accomplish and what they believed.

I've had time to put more thought into this question since that staff meeting and decided to see exactly what INSPIRE means.

It comes from the Middle English word, enspiren, and from the Old French word, enspirer, meaning to breathe life into. Other words include to affect, to arouse emotion in, to enliven, and to motivate.

Now I know who really inspires me..... my children and grandchilden.

I don't know how my children turned out as well as they did. It certainly wasn't because I was a spectacular mother. I did the best I could, but never felt like I did it the correct way or gave enough of myself to them. Praise God that He took over their education in times when I couldn't. When I was low and couldn't move forward, God raised up my mother, Phyllis to help me, or my best friend, Laura or my sisters, Cindy, Theresa and Dye.

My son, Chris inspires me by being the wonderful father of three small boys that he is. I wish I had half his patience. I love seeing Chris passionately share his interests with his boys and watching the boys enjoy the same interests, especially when I see some of the interests he got from me being passed on. I celebrate Chris' decision to finish his higher education all on his own. He could have grown discouraged at any time, but continued on and reached the goal of a Masters degree. I am forever in debt to Chris for leading me to the Lord. What better source of inspiration is there.

My daughter, Sarah has always been my delight.... my little "princess". Even while always being herself, she still reminds me so much of the person I was when younger. She's such an ecletic person...so many interests, hobbies and ideas. Always sweet and kind and fun to be with. The loveliest smile ever. When she smiles, I think of my Mom and her wonderful smile. There are times when things weight down on Sarah, but she keeps on trying, never leaning on me by asking for things, but trying to work things out on her own.

My daughter-in-law, Joi... what an amazing gift I was given by God when Chris married her! She inspires me by home-schooling her three sons. I home-schooled my daughter and it delights my heart to watch her continue the tradition of home education. One day she will have her own inspirational memories from the sacrifice of schooling her own children. A good wife and wonderful mother... a blessing to our family.

I look forward to seeing my grandsons become inspirational young men, changing the world for the better, and serving God passionately.

My children inspire me, because they hold me accountable. They force me to remember what is good and right about my life. They affect every area of who I am. They are extentions of what I was, am and ever hoped to be. Being with them enlivens me...literally breathes life into me. They are my reason for trying harder, for doing better, for never giving up.

Sorry, Walt... you've been pushed down the list!

Weird Things in 3's

2010-01-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

Why do most things seem to happen in 3's?

There is a guitar player at my church who looks so much like my son, Chris that they could be brothers. My worship pastor recently walked into my office and asked me why I had a photo of Brian hanging on my office wall. It wasn't Brian though, it was my son, Chris.

Last week, as I am driving to work down Westminster Ave. there was a man on a bike that I could have sworn was my late husband, Dave. It's very creepy to see someone who looks so much like a dead loved one. He had the same body type, hair coloring and movements. As I drove past trying to shake off the creepiness, BAM.... there walking to the bus stop was a girl who looked EXACTLY like my sister, Dye. [who lives in Colorado Springs, Colorado] Same hair color, same type of dress, same walk... it was beyond belief. What a coincidence... that will never happen again, right?

This morning as I drove to work, there she was ... Dye's look-a-like... walking to the bus stop twirling a bottle of chocalate milk. [which seems like a Dye type of thing to do]. Half a block down, there HE was again... Dave's look-a-like. He was without a bike this time and walking towrd the donut shop. [which seems like a Dave sort of thing to do].

I'm expecting shortly to see a look-a-like of myself strolling down the street.

Farewell to Old Friends and Memories ~ 2009

2009-12-27T23:55:00.000-08:00

It’s a fact of life that people die. Eventually we all will. I was looking over a list of people who had died this past year. Many famous and popular people died, but I choose to make a list of the people who died this year and left an impression on me whether good or bad.

Cheryl Holdridge (actress) -- Dead. Lung cancer. Died January 5, 2009. Born June 20, 1944. A Mouseketeer in the '50s, she appeared in many '50s and '60s TV shows and played one of Wally's girlfriends on Leave It To Beaver.
Cheryl was that short, cute, ever cheerful Mouseketeer who tap danced like nobody’s business. She was one of the early influences on my life that has always made me wish I had taken tap lessons. Others who lead me down the longing to tap dance road included Donald O’Connor, Shirley Temple and Gene Kelly.

Ricardo Montalban (actor) -- Dead. Died January 14, 2009. Born November 25, 1920. Fantasy Island, memorable as Khan in Star Trek.
Kahn…what else can you say! Every week on TV I waited for him to talk about rich corinthian leather or ask Tatu about the landing of the next plane to Fantasy Island.

Andrew Wyeth (artist) -- Dead. Died January 16, 2009. Born July 12, 1917. "Christina's World," the Helga series and many other fine paintings.
Andrew Wyeth is one of my favorite painters. He makes his subjects look so realistic and wistful. I would look at his picture of Christina's World and imagine what it would be like to be her; sitting in that field of tall grass; wind blowing through my hair.

Bob May (actor/robot driver) -- Dead. Congestive heart failure. Died January 18, 2009. Born September 4, 1939. The man who operated the robot in Lost in Space, but not the voice.
The robot on LOST IN SPACE was my favorite character. A perfect straight man to Dr. Smith and an ever loyal friend of young Will Robinson. As children, my brother and sisters and I would act out every episode of our favorite TV show abroad our homemade Jupiter II spacecraft [which also served as our back patio and picnic table when not flying through space].

James Whitmore (actor) -- Dead. Lung cancer. Died February 6, 2009. Born October 1, 1921. Bit parts in many movies, pitched Miracle Grow, married to Audra Lindley during the '70s, starred as Harry Truman in Give 'em Hell, Harry.
One of my favorite childhood musicals was OKLAHOMA. I loved it so much that many years later, my daughter and I as a summer project auditioned and joined the chorus of a local stage version of Oklahoma. We played farmer's wives. I always thought James Whitmore was one of the funnier characters in that show.

Wendy Richard (actress) -- Dead. Cancer. Died February 25, 2009. Born July 20, 1943. Miss Brahms in Are You Being Served?, Pauline in Eastenders, announced she had terminal bone cancer in October 2008.
Mollie Sugden (actress) -- Died July 1, 2009. Born July 21, 1922. Popular for her "feline" comments as Mrs. Slocombe in Are You Being Served?.
These two lovely women always brought my late husband and I hours of laughter. We were both addicted to British comedy shows and Are You Being Served? was one of our favorites.

Jody McRea (actor) -- Dead. Cardiac arrest. Died April 4, 2009. Born September 6, 1934. Bit parts in many '50s and '60s movies, noteably Bonehead in several of the "Frankie and Annette" beach flicks.
Good old Jody McRea… How can you not like Frankie & Annette beach movies and Bonehead, the character that always caused trouble by accident? My favorite memories of beach movies involve my Uncle Harold, who loved watching Frankie & Annette movies and quite often treated his nieces and nephews to drive-in movies that involved the watching of these movies. How cool is it to have an uncle who will take you to a teen movie that your own father won’t!

Dom DeLuise (comic actor/cook) -- Dead. Died May 4, 2009. Born August 1, 1933. Blazing Saddles.
Dom DeLuise – Wow, he was in so many really funny movies and TV variety shows that I can’t even begin to name how many times he made me laugh. He was also the first person I can remember as a child who was overweight, but seemed totally fine with this. It gave me a sense of knowing that you could love you body just the way you were, because your heart was more important. Thanks Dom!

John Houghtaling (inventor) -- Dead. Complications of a fall. Died June 17, 2009. Born November 14, 1916. Invented "The Magic Fingers," a coin-operated vibrating bed later installed in motels across America during the '50s and '60s.
I never met this guy. I didn’t even know who he was, but I can remember with fondness his invention. My 1st husband and I stayed on our honeymoon at a cheap motel called The Pioneer, down the street from Knott’s Berry Farm and for two young people who had never seen this before, it was a fun adventure. Although after the first 5 minutes, you’re pretty much done with it.

Ed McMahon (announcer) -- Dead. Pneumonia/cancer. Died June 23, 2009. Born March 6, 1923. The Tonight Show announcer during the Carson years, famous for greeting him with "Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnnny!", later, a spokesperson for American Family Publishing.
Ed seemed like a really fun guy to have at parties. Always so jolly and willing to agree with Johnny Carson. He would have made a wonderful uncle at family reunions. He’s also the subject of one of my favorite Weird Al songs.

Michael Jackson (singer/songwriter) -- Dead. Cardiac arrest. Died June 25, 2009. Born August 29, 1958. Wildly eccentric performer, youngest member of the Jackson 5, major pop icon of the '80s ("Thriller", "Billie Jean"), married briefly to Lisa Marie Presley, taken to court several times on child molestation charges (acquitted multiple times)
I really liked Michael’s music. I’m not as sure about his personal life, but he did seem to get more than his fair share of bad press. I feel sorry for him. Imagine what his life would have been like if he had been dealt a better hand. Many of my childhood memories are wrapped up in early Jackson 5 music. “Dancing Machine” will always be my favorite.

Gale Storm (actress) -- Dead. Died June 27, 2009. Born April 5, 1922. My Little Margie, The Gale Storm Show; her autobiography was called I Ain't Down Yet.
I’m going to sound really old when I share that I use to watch My Little Margie on TV. It was probably reruns, but still I liked how she always looked so put together for a housewife. My mom never looked like that in the middle of the day. She seemed like a more stylish version of Lucille Ball in an odd way, but remember I was only a small child when I had these thoughts.

Billy Mays (pitchman) -- Dead. Heart disease. Died June 28, 2009. Born July 20, 1958. The spokesguy for OrangeGlo, Oxiclean and dozens of other products, starred in cable's Pitchmen.
Poor Billy Mays! Even though I rarely buy products pitched on television, Billy was always fun to watch. He was so enthusiastic about his products that you just had to get one. I actually use Oxiclean to this day. I used it to clean my mother’s yellowing wedding dress and it actually worked.

Fred Travalena (impersonator/comic/cartoon voice) -- Dead. Cancer. Died June 28, 2009. Born October 6, 1942. Frequent late-night guest, probably best-known for mimicking Frank Sinatra.
I loved watching variety shows on television: the Ed Sullivan Show, the Dean Martin Show, Mike Douglass and Merv Griffin. This was where I first saw the amazing Fred Travalena do impersantions. He was so talented. What I liked best about him was that he was an act that both my parents and I could laugh with and enjoy! So few of those occasions existed.

Allen Klein (music agent/movie producer) -- Dead. Alzheimer's. Died July 4, 2009. Born December 18, 1931. Early manager of Bobby Darrin, Sam Cooke, the Rolling Stones and the last manager of The Beatles.
I wasn’t that interested about Allen Klein per say, but he managed a group I cared about a great deal…. The Beatles. Allen Klein may have been one of the contributing factors to the split up of the Beatles. He scared me. His pictures made him look like a New York gangster.

Walter Cronkite (newscaster) -- Died July 17, 2009. Born November 4, 1916. Longtime CBS evening newscaster, worked on reporting the Kennedy assassination and the first moonlanding.
Walter Kronkite was a man you could trust. He never took sides when reporting the news. He was a man of integrity and I miss watching him deliver the evening news. Even as a child, although I wasn’t that interested in the news, he still made it sound interesting, unlike today’s news commentators, he brought us real news about important issues, not gossip about what stars are sleeping with what other stars.

Frank McCourt (Writer/teacher) -- Dead. Meningitis. Died July 19, 2009. Born August 19, 1930.
Frank McCourt wrote one of my favorite books, Angela's Ashes . He lead a fascinating life in both America and Ireland and his telling of that story helped me to understand better the lives of the Catholic poor in Ireland.

John Hughes (writer/director) -- Dead. Heart attack. Died August 6, 2009. Born February 18, 1950. Wrote/directed Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles and Planes, Trains and Automobiles, retired from Hollywood youngish to be a farmer.
Need I say more - all favorite movies of mine and best of all, he gave it all up to take up farming.

Les Paul (guitar legend/inventor) -- Dead. Died August 13, 2009. Born June 9, 1915. Invented the electric guitar, had a TV show in the '50s, performed into his 90s, inducted into multiple musical halls of fame.
I would kill right now to have back the Les Paul guitar my late husband traded in to a Fort Wayne music store for a cello he never played.

Larry Gelbart (writer) -- Dead. Cancer. Died September 11, 2009. Born February 25, 1928. Main writer for M*A*S*H, wrote Tootsie and the book for A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
A great story teller, Larry Gilbert wrote the first adult movie I ever saw on my first date ever in 1969. Thank God Mom didn’t know we were seeing MASH at the Montclair Movie Theater that night.

Henry Gibson (comic) -- Dead. Cancer. Died September 14, 2009. Born September 21, 1935. Part of the original Laugh-In cast, and many movie bit parts, including Nashville and the neo-Nazi in The Blues Brothers.
Henry Gibson was so cute and lovable. One of my favorite characters on Laugh-In, especially his poems that he read like a frightened kindergardner at show and tell.

Mary Travers (folk singer) -- Dead. Cancer. Died September 16, 2009. Born November 9, 1936. Best of Peter, Paul and Mary.
One of the first non-Beatle albums I ever owned was “Peter, Paul and Mary: 10 Years Together” released in 1970. What an awesome album! I’ve always loved music with great harmonies and this one is right up there next to Simon and Garfunkel’s "Wednesday Morning, 3 am” and for the first time ever, I heard a women who sang in a lower key like me.

Lucy O'Donnell Vodden (Beatles inspiration) -- Dead. Lupus. Died September 22, 2009. Born circa 1963. Helped inspire John Lennon's most ellipital title "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".
I didn’t know Lucy, but I’ve heard the story of little Julien Lennon painting a picture of her that later became the name of the Beatles very popular song. Just reading of her death made me sad.

Lou Albano (wrestler/manager/actor) -- Dead. Died October 14, 2009. Born July 29, 1933. Popular wrestler in the '50s and '60s; bit part in Cindy Lauper's video "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," and some episodes of Miami Vice
Lou Albano starred in an MTV video of Cyndi Lauper’s most popular song. My son, Chris was really into wrestling at that time and we had wrestling action figures all over the house. Hearing of Lou’s passing was sad.

Vic Mizzy (composer) -- Dead. Heart failure. Died October 17, 2009. Born January 9, 1916. Hollywood composer best-known for his memorable themes for The Addams Family and Green Acres.
Who hasn’t sung all the words to one of Vic’s songs?

Soupy Sales (comic) -- Dead. Died October 22, 2009. Born January 8, 1926. "Hey, kids, if you send me a dollar..."
Soupy Sales was my childhood kid show star. My mom didn’t really like him much. He was slightly rude and irreverent, but he was fun to watch and always lots of pie throwing action. I especially liked when he would break into the Soupy Sales Shuffle. We would dance along on the kitchen floor, because shuffling on rugs lead to major static electrocuting of your other siblings or yourself.

Carl Ballantine (actor/magician) -- Dead. Died November 3, 2009. Born September 27, 1917. McHale's Navy, lots of bits parts on TV, and a professional magician for many, many years.
McHale’s Navy was one of those shows that Dad enjoyed as much as we kids. When you watch someone on television that much, he starts to seem like a dear friend. Miss you, Carl.

Ken Ober (comic/host/producer) -- Dead. Suspected flu. Died November 15, 2009. Born July 3, 1957. Host of MTV's Remote Control, produced shows like Mind of Mencia.
I only have one thing to say about Ken Ober…. Na,na, na,na; Na,na, na,na; hey, hey, hey, goodbye!!!

Gene Barry (actor) -- Dead. Congestive heart failure/Alzheimer's disease. Died December 9, 2009. Born June 14, 1919. Burke's Law, starred in the first version of War of the Worlds, played the grandfather in the remake, appeared on Broadway in La Cage aux Folles and was nominated for a Tony for that role.
Gene Barry starred in one of the scariest movies of my childhood, War of the Worlds. I still have bad dreams about those pulsating, vacumn head aliens trying to destroy the world. For a child of the 50’s facing the threat of nuclear war on a daily basis, this movie scared the crumbs out of children everywhere.

Jennifer Jones (actress) -- Dead. Born March 2, 1919. Duel in the Sun, Song of Bernadette (for which she won an Oscar), Towering Inferno, married to Robert Walker, David Selznick, and mother of Robert Walker (Jr.).
Growing up Catholic had it’s own interesting challenges, one of these involved Jennifer Jones and her movie, Song of Bernadette. I always had a reverent fear of visiting deities coming to earth from heaven and talking to young girls. What if this happened to me? How would I deal with it? The nuns always lead us to believe that it could happen and that if Mary were to come to earth, we should be prepared. This may explain many of my childhood nightmares. After the first time I saw this movie, I didn’t sleep for weeks belieing that Mary would pop into my room at night and I’d have a heart attack from the visit... and what about all those world ending secrets that Mary told Bernadette to give to the Pope?

Connie Hines (actress) -- Dead. Heart trouble. Died December 18, 2009. Born June 5, 1930. Best-known for playing Alan Young's wife on Mr. Ed.
I was always so envious of Carol Hines. On TV, she was married to Alan Young. I had loved Alan Young since seeing him in “Androcles and the Lion” a movie about him pulling a thorn out of a lion's foot and “The Time Machine” as a Scottish neighbor to the time traveling professor next door. Imagine my surprise to find out he was also Disney’s Uncle Scrooge McDuck…. And to think that lucky Carol Hines got to work with him on a daily basis.

YouTube Du Jour

2009-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

After seeing my son, Chris' interesting video the other day, it made me think of this recent video I had found. Best cover ever.....

Bohemian Rhapsody by The Muppets.

How Much is Too Much?

2009-11-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

When it comes to God, how much is too much?

I've read so many articles lately on the state of praise and worship in today's churches. They all seem to be asking the same types of questions.
"What does it take to attract the baby boomers or busters or X-ers or the blank generation to our churches for worship?"

My question in return would be...
When did we start thinking that we were in charge of attracting people to God? God's instructions to us were to love Him with all our strength and every fiber of our being and share that love with others. God will do the rest.

God is looking for a people who will love and serve Him. A people who will be obedient in everything God asks of us. A people who love Him so much that they can't help but worship Him continually with joy and enthusiasium.

God created us. He knows what we enjoy! He knows how we express ourselves, because He created that need in us. If dancing, jumping and chanting is what stirs African tribes when they praise God than God is pleased. If young people straight out of a drug culture turn their lives over to God and the best way they can express themselves is so raise hands high, jump up and down and sing rock n/ roll style praise than God is pleased by that praise, too. If you sit in the quiet stillness of your church, a single voice lifted in earnest praise and quietly lift Him with a humble heart than He is pleased.

Theologians have speculated that Lucifer was the worship leader in heaven. They speculate this because of certain descriptions of his being that include musical ability connected to worship and leadership. I have included these verses below.

Ezekiel 28:12-16 “ You were the seal of perfection, Full of wisdom and perfect in beauty. You were in Eden, the garden of God; Every precious stone was your covering: The sardius, topaz, and diamond, Beryl, onyx, and jasper, Sapphire, turquoise, and emerald with gold. The workmanship of your timbrels and pipes was prepared for you on the day you were created. You were the anointed cherub who covers; I established you; You were on the holy mountain of God; You walked back and forth in the midst of fiery stones. You were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, Till iniquity was found in you. By the abundance of your trading You became filled with violence within, And you sinned; Therefore I cast you as a profane thing Out of the mountain of God; And I destroyed you, O covering cherub, From the midst of the fiery stones."

Unfortunately, instead of directing worship to God, Lucifer diverted it from God and unto Himself. As a result, heaven split in two with one third of the angels following their new leader into a path of rebellion. Even in heaven amongst the angels, God longs for praise.

I find it interesting that God tells us in the Bible that if we don't praise Him, the rocks will! How much more important are we to God than a rock?

God's sole purpose in creating us was to praise and worship Him. Those of us who have accepted Jesus as our Savior, will spend an eternity doing it.

If we can scream at a baseball game, a soccer match, a rock concert or a Hollywood premiere when our fav star appears than how much more important is our praise of the Creator?

I'm preparing for my eternity of praise now, by worshipping God as much as I can. I will lift my hands toward heaven. I will clap in agreement and in appreciation of Him. I will sing loudly and softly, dance like King David and find times to stand still in His presence. I will stand with my eyes lifted and fall to my face in awe. I will raise my voice in song to Him as a gift of praise to my Creator. Life is too short to not give Him everything I have.

There is no such thing as too much when it comes to praising God!

Writing isn't for the Weak!

2009-11-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when you're far from a computer or pencil and paper your mind goes wild with brilliant ideas? Yet, the minute you try and set those thoughts to paper, they vanish like warm chocolate chip cookies at a Christmas party!

I've been trying for so long to write a book, a chapter or even a page, but it all seems to fall short when I actually sit down to write. Maybe if I hired someone to follow me around and write down all my thoughts!

I finally came up with an idea that would combine my love of sentimental fiction with my love of family history and a strong belief in God. I wrote like crazy at first and than everything went crazy at work and it ended as quickly as it started. I've yet to get back to working on that story.

I can't decide if I'm just not meant to write or if the enemy is stopping me... maybe it's both.

I've always admired Laura Ingalls Wilder. Not Laura Ingalls the television pioneer girl running through the fields with her red pigtails flying, but the actual Laura Ingalls who wrote "The Little House" series of books. She was 65 years old when she wrote her first published book "Little House in the Big Woods".

Maybe if I wait until I'm 65 years old, I could write the next great American novel?

Warning Students: What They Will Not Teach You at School!

2009-08-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a book called "Dumbing Down Our Kids" by educator, Charles Sykes. In it, he had written a piece entitled the “Eleven Things You Did Not Learn in School.” I wish I had learned this in school.

Even though I am of an older generation, my upbringing was during the 60’s “hippie” movement and the Vietnam War when most of our current troubles began. I feel responsible for these things because it was my generation that caused much of this misery. Fortunately, I grew up in a modest home with loving parents who brought me up with the Christian morals of the great depression that they learned from their parents.

I am appalled at the attitudes of many of our young people today. Selfishness and rudeness abound. I do not think the ME generation ever ended, but brought up an entire new generation of children who think only of themselves. This generation of children are in for a rude awakening.

As I read the list, I was struck by it’s simple, yet direct truth. These are things I wish we could teach to every child in the United States. We live in a very self-centered era and the generation that is being raised up today will struggle through life without the honest truth of how things really are.

Here is that list, with a few of my own thoughts added in italics.

RULE 1 ~ Life is not fair - get used to it. God NEVER promised life would be fair in this world. Life is a struggle and coming through it without walking all over your fellow man is a unique challenge that has faced every generation since Adam. The sooner you learn this principal the easier it will be for you to succeed as an adult.

RULE 2 ~ The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Living in a “feel good” era, we have been taught to believe that we are entitled to be spoiled, selfish and self-serving as long as we feel good about ourselves. Our school systems push this idea and rows of self help books enforce it’s validity to an unsuspecting public. Out in the “real world”, you will be asked to perform as well as all the others working around you. There will be no excuses. If you do your job with excellence, you will be rewarded based on the outcome. There is no “free meal” in the workforce.

RULE 3 ~ You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both. As parents, we wanted more for our children than we had. We raised them with all the best intentions, but in doing so we spoiled them into thinking that they are entitled to all the things we have without any of the work or sacrifice. Our credit based society has raised a people who think it's all about how much you have or can spend with no regard for the having to pay back our debt. We have raised a generation of children who are slowly using up all the money we have worked so hard for.

RULE 4 ~ If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Our nation struggles with the issues involving how to raise and educate children. We have stopped listening to the teachers in favor of listening to our children and letting them run the show. We should be listening to both sides. We have shown our children through our own example that we can behave rudely to authority and bully them into letting you have your misguided way. It will not be as easy when our children reach the workforce.

RULE 5 ~ Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they called it Opportunity. So many children today put off working in order to find the dream job. They refuse to be embarrassed by doing jobs considered beneath them. They know their parents will support them, as they spend their summers at the beach or skiing in the mountains. By our example, we have shown our children that it’s alright to cheat at our job or break rules when they suit us. We are upset with our children’s greedy behavior, but talk openly in front of them about our next big purchase of a luxury car, motor home, European vacation home or the best clothing. There is pride in a job done well, even if it’s flipping burgers and all learning experiences train us for that opportunity knocking on down the road.

RULE 6 ~ If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Taking responsibility for your actions is one of the best ways to mature or “grow up”. Blaming others for your mistakes is childish and will not win you any friends. Admitting your mistakes and asking for forgiveness or pardon is good for the soul and will serve you better than blaming others. It will give you integrity!

RULE 7 ~ Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Most parents work very hard. They were once children, too. They didn’t realize how right their parents were when they tried to teach them the beauty of an honest day’s work and the feeling of accomplishment when you have completed a job well done. We were wrong when we raised our children to be spoiled and we worked ourselves to the bone to help give our children everything we didn’t have. We paid the ultimate price…. lazy, spoiled children bleeding us to death and bad health, worry and heart attacks from trying to provide for those children and even their children. We became "enablers".

RULE 8 ~ Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. It’s okay to fail at things. Failure teaches us to improve and learn from our mistakes. Admitting failure teaches us to be humble and compassionate for others who make the same mistakes. It teaches us to appreciate the successes. There’s nothing wrong with failing, but there is something wrong with never taking responsibilities for your mistakes.

RULE 9 ~ Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Everyone dreams of those wonderful days of summer vacations, but in the real world, people work all year long and unless you are very rich, you will have to work all year long just like everyone else. "Finding yourself" may actually occur when you put your whole self into doing a good job.

RULE 10 ~ Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. We have sold ourselves the American dream based on how the media sees it. Because we have become lazy in our work ethics, we will let other people tell us how to vote, think, and believe. We have trained our children to think that what they see on television, the internet or print media is real. Only real life is real. The silver screen is not silver lined. It’s fake and those who do work in that industry work hard just like everyone else who works providing us with a product that is not real. Don’t fall for the easy way out. There is NO EASY WAY OUT and there are prices to be paid for that kind of lifestyle.

RULE 11 ~ Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. I like this rule. I was married to a geek who held the nation’s security in his hands before he died of a heart attack in 2005. Although he did not serve in the Armed Forces, he served the country well by designing and developing technology that helped troops to fight more efficiently with less causalities. I myself am a geek, if being a geek means to be passionate about things that other people think are boring. Geeks come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. There are football geeks, but we choose to call them jocks. There are geeks who are passionate about painting, music, sculpture or dancing, but we choose to call them artists. There are geeks who are passionate about writing, business, science, technology, collecting, history and many other subjects, but if they are good at those things we respect them. Basically, there are no geeks, just passionate people who single-mindedly devote themselves to one field of study or interest. If you aren’t one of these people and really good at what you do, you will end up working for one of these people.

Some day there will be a shift in our culture, for good or for bad. Are you prepared? How are you preparing your children? Think about it? What do you want to be known for? and who are you trying to please? Who will you have to answer to?

The Devil and Daniel Webster

2009-07-28T19:47:00.001-07:00

I LOVE old black and white movies. Several weeks ago, I was up very late and decided to watch TCM channel. A movie I had never seen before called "The Devil and Daniel Webster" started. It was a good movie, but what I really enjoyed about the movie was that God used it to speak to me.

At one point in the movie, Daniel Webster is seen laboring over a writing desk and the silhouette of the devil on the darkened wall behind him, is tempting and taunting him. Daniel gets angrier and angrier as the devil speaks evil into him until Daniel suddenly screams "BE STILL" and the devil is forced to flee.

As I sat in the dark watching that scene, God made it very clear to me the power of that simple phrase.

BE STILL.

When Daniel told the devil to be still two things happened:
1 - Daniel was still and listened to God's voice. God came and in His presence, all darkness left.
2 - The devil was still with fear as the power of God entered Daniel's reality.

Under the authority of God, the devil MUST flee when we tell him to... but God reminded me that where there is light, darkness can not stay. God was reminding me that if I am "still" and listen for His voice I will not hear the enemy.

Thank you God for using my favorite past time to speak to me.

It's All About Change

2009-07-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed. Nothing ever stays the same. Time to change again.

Just when I thought I had my life all together, God shared a huge vision with my pastor that involved hiring an Administrative Pastor and moving me to another department as the assistant to the Worship Pastor. I don't mind being moved. I love worship and music. This is a huge blessing for me.

Unfortunately, Satan decided to use this change to beat on me and he did a really good job. Suddenly, I felt like no one thought I was good enough to do a job I had created single-handedly 4 years before. It felt like no one cared about how much I had sacrificed to do my previous job. Even my husband seemed disinterested in showing me compassion. My pity party lasted for several weeks until God finally got my attention. The death of a dream is a difficult thing to overcome, but I realized it wasn't God's dream. It had been my dream.

I can honestly say that life does improve when you do things His way and the hell I placed myself in during this "Pity Party" were entirely caused by me. I could have left the party whenever I wanted, but I was caught in a trap I had set myself.

The most important thing God showed me was that His plans were going through with or without me. It would be better for me to join Him than to fight for my own ideas. My ideas had little eternal merit.

I surrender Lord!

Frustrated Beyond Belief

2009-06-24T08:37:00.001-07:00

Every day I question God about things that happen in my life or around me. I don't expect a solution or an answer. I already know the answer... God wants me to learn compassion, understanding and patience.

I'm sure you can understand my frustration, when I share just a few of them.

#1. When you see a sign that says "Recycle" above a trash can and it further explains "bottles and cans" only, shouldn't you only put bottles and cans in that receptacle? Apparently the people where I work can't read because there continues to be a steady stream of other sticky, gooey and gross trash in the recycle bin. Maybe they don't realize that my husband, Ray and I are the ones who have to deal with this issue when we recycle those items at the local recycling place. Picture Ray and I knee deep in sticky gross trash as we separate the items and remove all the lids from the bottles. [Those aren't recycle-able].

#2. I have been without health insurance since my late husband died. At the time of his death, his company offered me Cobra Insurance. Unfortunately, I had to turn it down. They wanted $1500 a month for me and my than 16 year old daughter. By turning down the Cobra, I entered into a no man's land of health insurance hell. I applied and was refused by over 7 companies. Why? Because I have a very minor existing health issue [GIRD], I am slightly overweight and I am apparently old at the age of 52 [I was 52 in 2005]. I have never had any major health issues and rarely go to the Doctor. I don't take any prescription meds on a regular basis and am generally very healthy. As I age, I realize that having health care would be a good thing, but I fall in that awkward place of those 50 million people who do not have health care for the same reasons I have listed above. I am certainly willing to pay my fair share, but when did $1500 a month become a fair number. That's more than 60% of what I earn monthly. So my choices are limited either have a place to live or be homeless but have health care insurance. So I rely on God as my physician.

An Unlikely Assignment

2009-04-21T22:05:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, God prompted me to ask my Pastor's wife what was holding her back from achieving what she wanted in woman's ministry. I could tell she was struggling, so I boldly asked her why. She confided that teaching was not comfortable for her. I shared her fear. Suddenly, I found myself volunteering to teach for her.

"If that's all that is stopping you, I'll do it." What was I thinking? Was I insane?

I find this the most amazing part of this story. God loves to use the impossible to do the possible and the unqualified to complete that impossible task. That way we know it's something only God could do.

I am usually too shy to speak to people. As a baby, I cried at the sight of strangers. As a child, I was rarely spoke to adults or strangers. Raising my hand in class was painful, as I would forget the answer by the time I was called on. I rarely looked into people's eyes when they spoke and my responses were quite often not audible. Dating in high school was a joke. I didn't have the strength or gumption to be as bold as the other girls.

After I was married, I stayed fairly shy, but was growing stronger. First of all, I became a Christian. God changes all things...including the terminally shy. My 2nd husband, David was the best thing that had ever happened to my confidence. He believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. He was the youth pastor and I started teaching Sunday School... HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS! This is very much like when the Romans threw the Christians to the lions. Surprisingly, the girls didn't judge me and I enjoyed it. I even seemed fairly good at it.

My first occasion to speak at the Woman's Ministry was in February. God brought the lesson plan to me so quickly I was shocked. I decided to speak on "who we are in Christ". I enjoyed preparing the lesson and delivering it was not nearly as nerve-racking as I told myself it would be. Afterward, I thought ..."thank God this is over now." BUT.... Apparently God felt differently because since February, God has given me so many ideas for other talks that I feel overwhelmed. I even dream ideas for sermons.

Recently, I was watching a movie on TV..."The Color Purple". It was the scene were the choir is singing in the church and the one of the ladies at the speak-easy starts singing with them. The song is called "Maybe God is Trying To Tell You Something."

I get the message, Lord!

When God Changes the Plans

2008-07-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

God is changing all my plans. Or maybe it's more that God is putting His own plans into place and waiting for me to line up with Him.

My plan was to live happly ever after with my late husband, David, but in March of 2005, God took him home very suddenly. That was quite a change in plans. I miss Dave. He was interesting to talk to, loved model trains and building miniatures. He introduced me to computers, Tolkien and reading. He told me how beautiful I was and how proud he was of me. I'm still asking God WHY, but I will trust in His decisions.

My plan was to be able to travel someday with my mother to exotic places we'd never been before. On April 13, 2002, God changed that plan and took my mother home to be with Him. God must have thought heaven to be an exotic enough place and He asked her to join Him there. She didn't want to go. She told us so many times, but the cancer won and God eased her from her painful world into His "exotic" rhelm. I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her smile and dimples. Her fanatical devotion to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Her love of music and especially musicals. Her devotion to her children and grandchildren. Still God loved me and as a gift, he allowed my mother to stay long enough to see my first grandson, Garrison be born. I remind myself that God knows what He's doing. I will trust in Him.

My plan was to always be able to drive out to the Inland Empire and see my Dad anytime I wanted. He would always be there for his little "Chancey Ann". God smiled and laughed at my plan. "Nothing on this earth is forever, daughter," he reminded me. God allowed my Dad to share with me how much he loved me. God gives such good gifts. God lead my Dad homeward on May 31, 2008. Dad's happier now. He's with the Lord and my mother. BUT... God loves me and wanted to show His love. Before my Dad left, God reminded him to call me on my birthday and sing "Happy Birthday" all the way through. My Dad had never done that before and it was beautiful. Thank you, Lord.

My plan was to train up an assistant at work who could one day let my husband and I finally go on our honeymoon to Scotland. Today, the assistant announced she is leaving to go back to her previous job after only being here a few months. Now I will need to train a new assistant and once again put off my vacation. I've never had a vacation while working at this job. It's been a very long 2 1/2 years, but I am patient. I work for the Lord. He is my boss and He knows the bigger picture, so I will be obedient. God knows I'm tired. God knows that I need this time of rest. I will wait for Him to send me on the journey.

My plan was to grow old surrounded by my children and grandchildren. This Friday, my son, daughter-in-law and their three wonderful boys are moving away from me and my plan.... 1100 miles away to be exact. God's plan told them to go to Colorado a year ago. God confirmed it by making it impossible for them to earn a living here in California. Methodically, He removed all their sources of income until they could no longer afford to stay here. They are being obedient to His call and I am learning to be patient.

God's plans sometimes hurt. They stretch me in uncomfortable ways. I complain and God listens patiently. He knows I will obey but He also shares in my hurt. He doesn't want me to be in pain, but He knows what is coming and I can't see it. So I will trust Him in all things and in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight my path. We can all use straight paths, right?

The Ideal Job

2008-05-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

I have the ideal job. I work for Jesus Christ. He's an awesome boss. He's firm, but kind.... gracious and merciful.... a boss who forgives ALL my mistakes and still loves me no matter what.

Jesus has assigned me to a church home in Westminster, California called The Sanctuary. I am the church's first administrator. It's not a job I take lightly. What we do now will affect the church's future and that future must be built on the firm foundation of God's Word..

The Sanctuary is the kind of church you must visit in order to appreciate how truely unique it is. I've never seen a church like this before. Old and young.... mature and new believers.... skaters, surfers, musicians, artists, blue collar and white collar.... God is raising up a "New Generation" of warriors at The Sanctuary.

Do you feel that church isn't the kind of place where you will fit in?

Too many Tattoos? A few piercings? Do you have gnarly life struggles, drugs, drinking, hard pasts, tough upbringings? Marriage problems? Are you a wounded soul?

This is the face of The Sanctuary. A place of awesome overcomers!

Jay Haizlip is the pastor that God has allowed me to serve under. Jay is a mighty man of God... a strong prayer warrior... a good preacher... a patient man... who seeks continually to hear from God and relay God's word to his flock . Pastor Jay is a man with a vision, a dream and a goal. He's willing to do whatever God asks and I find this refreshing. God is sending wounded warriors to Jay on a daily basis and together we are working to help God reach this new generation, refresh them, love them and equip them to reach the lost.

Want to learn more about what's happening at The Sanctuary?

http://www.sanctuaryhb.com/

Welcome

2008-05-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first blog.

I never really thought I'd need a blog. I don't really have anything to say. I'm not special, famous or out of the ordinary. As I sat here reading my children's blogs, it occurred to me that I had a unique opportunity to share what God is doing in my life and in the world around me.
I've seen God do some pretty amazing things and it's time I spoke up.

Stay tuned for what God is about to do and hold on to your hats. God does everything BIG.